Being a leader is better than being a follower.
In this rapidly changing 21th century world, it is often said that a successful performance of an organization depends on one person as a leader. While Some people argue that it is better for people to become a follower in group, I definitely believe that people should pursue for becoming a leader in an organization. This is not only because people can have a the challenging mind and a sense of fulfillment, but also because being a leader helps people develop their skills and abilities. (인트로 정말 좋아요. 내용이 매끄럽고 연결 잘 되게 써주신 것 같아요~)
First of all, it is very helpful to become a leader because people have a good opportunity to feel a sense of confidence and achievement. This is due to the fact that a leader must take responsibility for the organization and become the most hardworking person, and thus, by doing so, he will perform the challenging and demanding tasks successfully and have a sense of accomplishment through attaining his goal. (문장이 조금 긴 편인 듯 합니다. thus 즈음으로 한 번 끊어주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 아무래도 채점관은 글을 빠르게 훑고 지나가기 때문에 문장이 길고 복잡한 듯 하면 이해하는데에 어려움이 있을 수도 있습니다. 가능하면 간단하고 명확한 문장으로 써주시는 편이 좋은데, 때문에 문장을 두 개로 나눠 써주시면 좋겠습니다^^) To illustrate this point, a survey for leaders of one hundreds of corporations revealed that two-thirds of the leaders reported that before they became a leader, they had a position positioned as a follower and at that time, they had not taken a heavy burden of their organization. However, they also represented that after being a leader, they began to take considerable responsibilities for their group and indulged in the arduous works. Then, in the end, this led to a huge success of the company and gave them respectively a sense of significant achievement and confidence on the rest of their lives. This result shows that since a leader is more able to fulfill a specific goal than a follower, being a leader is a great idea for people. (to feel a sense of confidence and achievement로 처음에 주장을 써주셨는데, 뒤에 예시 부분에 들어가서부터는 자신감과 성취감보다는 성취 자체에 초점을 두어 말씀해주신 것 같아요. 둘에 크게 차이는 없지만, 그래도 가능하면 뒤에서도 "이렇게 리더로서 책임감을 느끼고 목표를 달성하다보면 만족감과 자신감이 생기게 되기 때문에 좋다~"같은 식으로 마무리 해주는 말을 덧붙이시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
Secondly, since being a leader means that people are able to improve their skills, it is better than being a follower. This is evident when one ponders that in order to make remarkable performances, leaders should control and organize their group members and make the best decision in certain difficult situations. For instance, when I was a university student majoring in business administration, I took an organization structure theory class and got a project team assignment. After I became a leader of that group, I put all my efforts into the project and endeavored completely in order to coordinate and cooperate our team members by having a lot of meetings. Moreover, I made a decision concerning a specific goal and several methods for attaining the aim, and shared them with group members properly. Consequently, this allowed me to promote my organizing skills and decision-making abilities. (설명과 예시 적절한 것 같습니다^^)
To summarize, because a leader is able to achieve his goal and increase a sense of fulfillment with challenges as well as improve his various skill sets, becoming a leader is a much better idea than just becoming a follower. On the whole, I strongly agree that although a leader has difficulty operating an organization, this will offer him/her (앞에 a leader를 받음) people a great chance to experience a successful result for himself/herself themselves as well as their organization.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Good~Excellent (24~28)
총평:
1. 문장이 대체적으로 긴 편이신 것 같아요. 위에서 말씀드린것과 같이 너무 문장이 길면 이해하는데에 시간이 걸리고 헷갈릴 수 있습니다. 때문에 가능하면 문장은 적게는 하나, 많게는 두개까지의 내용이 들어가게, 심플한 형식을 취할 수 있게 써주시길 바래요. 그 밖에 문장력이나 단어선택은 아주 좋기 때문에 이 부분을 수정하시면 실전에서 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있을 것이라 생각합니다.
2. 전반적으로 내용이나 구성이 좋아요. 토플 에세이에 대한 이해가 높으신 것 같고, 작문 실력도 좋으신 것 같습니다. 앞으로는 작은 실수를 줄일 수 있게 좀 더 꼼꼼하게 검토하는 습관을 들이시는 연습을 하시면 더 좋을 것 같아요. 또한, 직접 에세이를 다 쓰시기 보다는 주제에 대한 브레인스토밍을 시간을 재어 빠르게 하는 연습을 하는 것도 도움이 될 것 같습니다~!
수고 많으셨습니다 :)