Human activities have enhanced and improved the Earth.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
When it comes to human activities on the Earth, some people argue that it is manifest that human behavior has improved the Earth. However, I definitely believe that human activities have destroyed the world. This is not only because they have been devastating many aspects of the natural environment, but also because a lot of people have been threatened and suffered from the results of the human behavior.
First of all, human activities have resulted in the ravaged environment. environments. '자연환경'의 뜻일 때는 단수로 사용합니다. This is evident when one ponders that the brutal exploitation and destruction of the nature for building the house houses and factories factory inevitably led to environmental pollution. However, the clean environment is environments are the most indispensable factors for the survival of both animals and humans. To illustrate this point, For example, a substantial number of people have been cutting numerous trees for urbanization and industrialization around the world. Thus, this deforestation has dramatically changed a great portion of land into barren desert and sterile land where landslides and floods frequently occur. Also, due to the damaged environment, environments, unfortunately, a large number of animals and plants have lost their habitats and this environmental change often generates the natural disasters which have a considerable negative effect on people. Therefore, as this reveals, human behavior has a disastrous impact on the Earth. 사람들의 행동이 환경을 파괴했고 -> 이것이 결국 지구를 (improve한 것이 아니라) 파괴했다는 연결이 매끄럽습니다. 사례로 연결한 부분도 적절합니다.
Secondly, the advanced scientific technology by human activities has people themselves injured severely or even die. This is due to the fact that even though the things built or invented by human such as cars, factories and houses make people live in the more convenient surroundings, these inventions often cause an immense unexpected results. For instance, many inventors and architects have created a variety of cars, micro-wave ovens, microven, refrigerators, buildings and so on which are very useful in a daily life on human history. Unfortunately, we sometimes can see the news in mass media showing that many people coincidently became injured from an accident by a malfunction of the device in the vehicles or all people who were traveling from one country to another by airplane died when the plane suddenly fell due to the mechanical defection. This clearly indicates that the material things made by human for expedience of life reversely ruin the human life on Earth. 기술발전이 지구에 미치는 악영향을 보여주어야 하므로 '예외적인' 사고에 대한 설명들은 설득력이 부족합니다. 기술적 결함이나 오류로 생기는 unfortunate한 상황들 대신에 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있는 요소들을 생각해보면 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들어 '플라스틱'은 더 나은 삶을 위한 human activities의 산물에 해당하지만, 생태계 균형을 위협하는 환경호르몬의 원인이 되기도 하지요. 사람들에게만 국한하기보다 지구 전체의 생명체나 지구의 환경 자체에 대해 논하는 편이 논제에 맞는 답변이니 이 부분도 유의해서 improve해시면 좋을 것 같아요.
To summarize, human activities have been resulting in the bad situations on Earth since they have it has triggered the ruined environment environments as well as threatened the precious life of human being. On the whole, although humans human are able to try to fabricate many things for the technical development, they should stop to do that behavior in order to make the world better and better in the future.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–25)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 기본적인 에세이 구성이 잘 잡혀 있습니다. 나의 주장이 설득력있게 연결될 수 있도록 예외적인 상황보다는 보다 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있는 general explanation을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 설득력이 약한 부분들과 몇 가지 문법오류만 보완하셔도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!