As society progresses, advice from grandparents to children is not as useful as it was in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Most grandparents would advise their children when they see them because they think they can help them and they truly care for them. As a matter of fact, advice that grandparents give to their children is are sometimes helpful as they are experienced in many areas. Nonetheless, it is valid to say that as society progresses, advice from grandparents to children is not as useful as it was in the past. This is primarily due to the fact that grandparents are usually technologically illiterate and can not catch up with social trends.
To begin with, most grandparents are not good at handling technological devices. Since 쉼표삭제 many technological devices were at their infancy when grandparents were young, most grandparents are not used to handling such devices. 현대 기술에 대한 이해가 부족하다는 점이 조부모 세대의 advice를 왜 유용하지 못하게 만드는지에 대한 설명이 필요합니다. 온라인사전vs일반사전의 사례만으로 내 주장을 일반화하기보다는 현대기술에 대한 이해가 부족하다는 사실 자체가 advice에 미치는 영향을 설명해서 포괄적으로 적용될 수 있도록 해주는 것이 더 설득력이 높습니다. One of the best examples would be computers. When I visited my grandparents' place, I came across a word that I was unfamiliar with and therefore I tried to look it in up in on an online dictionary. However, my grandfather insisted that I use a paper dictionary because he thought it was much more convenient and had has better definitions. I could not agree with him because online dictionaries are much more convenient as you do not have to flip through pages and online dictionaries nowadays are at least on par with paper dictionaries in terms of definitions they serve. It has only been 20 years since the Internet has become widely used by many people. Since most grandparents are not familiar with the Internet, they are averse to online dictionaries. Having said all, advice from grandparents regarding technology is not useful.
On top of that this, most grandparents do not catch up with social trends. Since grandparents usually form relationships with people around their age, they are uninformed about currently prevailing social trends, especially the ones spreading among young people. 마찬가지로 트렌드를 따라가지 못하는 것이 'advice'와 무슨 관련이 있는지에 대한 설명이 빠져 있습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용은 단순히 조부모님 세대와 우리 세대가 어떻게 다른가에 대한 내용이 아니라 그들의 advice가 더이상 큰 도움이 되지 못하는 이유에 대한 내용입니다. 단순히 트렌드를 잘 따라가지 못한다는 내용에서 그치지 말고 더 나아가서 이것이 advice와 무슨 관련이 있는지에 대한 설명을 더 제시해서 논제와의 coherence를 보여줄 수 있도록 보완해주세요. Fashion trend is one example. When I was in highschool I used to wear a pair of baggy pants that was popular among people of my age. However, my grandmother always scolded about my sloppy outfit and insisted that I wear something more neat. Although she might have been be right, I had to wear baggy pants in order to get accepted into the peer group. As a consequence, people should know that grandparents are not always right.
In conclusion, people should not take grandparents' advice for granted because they are sometimes useful. However, people should understand that grandparents' advice regarding technology and social trends is not as useful as before because the society has changed so much.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22-26)
전반적으로 에세이 구성에 대한 이해나 문장력이 좋은 편입니다. 그러나 논리력이나 설득력 면에서 좀 더 보완해야 할 점들이 보입니다. body에서 중점적으로 풀어내야 하는 부분은 할머니 할아버지의 조언이 덜 유용한 이유에 대한 부분입니다. 현대기술에 대한 이해가 부족하고 트렌드를 잘 따라가지 못한다는 내용만 강조해서는 세대차에 대한 글로 논점이 어긋나기 쉽습니다. 'advice'에 초점을 두고 문단의 main idea에 대한 설명을 더 보완해주세요. 사례를 통해 결론을 도출해내는 것도 좋지만 하나의 경험만으로 일반화한다는 인상을 주기 때문에 설득력이 떨어질 가능성이 있습니다. 기술에 대한 이해가 부족한 것/최신트렌드를 따라가지 못한다는 것이 왜 조부모님들의 조언을 덜 유용하게 만드는 이유가 되는지 연결고리를 더 보완해서 논제에 대한 답변이 되게끔 improve해주세요. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!