People are incapable of being satisfied with what they have; they always want what they don’t have.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The idea that being satisfied with what they have is impossible for people is prevalent in the society. As the old saying goes, “The grass on the other side of the fence is always greener,” I agree with the thought. People always crave for better and more things. What behind my reasoning is that human nature is insatiable and commercials stimulate people’s desires.
To begin with, people want to get what they do not have by instinct. In other words, people cannot be truly content with what they have. This is clearly verified when we observe babies’ behaviors who have not been socialized yet. Toddlers cry and fight over foods, toys, attention from adults even though they cannot speak and have not been taught about acquisitiveness. For example, a couple of months ago, when I visited my uncle’s house, I cared for my nephew who was two years old. At that time, when I gave him some candies, he tried to grab more than two candies with his tiny hands although he could handle only one. In this sense, even though one has not learned greed, he or she instinctively wants to get more things. 본능적으로 더 원한다는 idea와 아이를 관찰한 결과를 예증으로 제시한 부분이 참신합니다. 논리적 흐름도 적절합니다. 무언가를 더 원하는 본능이 있다는 점을 심리학적으로 입증해주는 전문가의 말을 간단하게 인용해서 신빙성을 높여주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
Next, the other significant reason is that in this materialistic world, commercials ceaselessly spur citizens’ desires in order to sell more products. Thus, making more people buy their products means maximizing their profits. So, 틀린 표현은 아니지만 So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주거나 꼭 필요하지 않은 경우 생략하는 것이 좋습니다. they continually expose vulnerable people to appealing advertisements with their new products. As a result, people are easy to be fed up with what they already have. 광고에 의해 사람들이 물질적인 것을 계속해서 추구하게 된다는 idea와 설명이 적절합니다. For instance, my brother bought a an MP3 player which he had desired last year. However, when he saw a commercial which advertised the latest MP3 player that had larger memory capacity and several new functions a couple of months ago, he discarded discard his MP3 player which was in quite perfect condition and bought the new one. Likewise, advertisements advertises continually encourage people to buy their new products and as a result, people always want to have newer things. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 광고의 영향이 강조되도록 '광고를 보지 않았다면 동생이 멀쩡한 물건을 두고 새로운 mp3를 사고 싶어하지 않았을 것이다.'하는 식의 연결고리를 보완하는 것도 좋겠습니다.
As a mulling over the query, whether or not people can be satisfied with what they have, I finally come to grasp that they cannot stop desiring better and more things because of their instinct and surroundings. I strongly feel that it is natural that people always struggle to gain what they do not have and the tendency will not disappear be disappeared until the extinction of humanity.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–29)
글의 전체적인 구성이나 논리가 돋보이는 글입니다. 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 주장을 피력하기 위해 사용된 idea들도 적절하게 잘 설명되어 있습니다. 문법오류가 많다는 점이 감점요인이 될 수 있으니 유의하셔야 할 것 같아요. 한두개의 minor mistakes는 큰 감점요인이 되지 않지만 기본적인 태, 수일치, 품사활용 등의 경우 컴퓨터로 채점하기 때문에 꼼꼼하게 체크해주는 것이 좋습니다. 글을 작성한 이후 전체적인 흐름과 문법오류를 검토할 수 있도록 시간 여유 남겨가면서 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!