▶ Your Answer :When I was young, I used to ask my parents to
help them on parent’s days. I would ask them if I could help with some chores
such as washing the dishes or cleaning the rooms. Then, my parents would laugh
and answer, “No, sweat heart. Thank you for asking, but go to your room and
study or play outside with your friends. That’s how you help us.” However, come
to think of it, would that be good for a child? ( 대화글로 시작하는 것, fresh 합니다 ! very good ! )Therefore, I disagree with the
notion that children should spend most of their time studying and playing
rather than helping their family with housefold chores for two reasons.
First, children can learn the idea of responsibilty by doing their chores.
When children are young, they tend to lean on from their parents. However, when they
grow up and have their jobs, there is no one to take their( make sure you mention; who is who?) responsibilities
instead. They will face hardship on their jobs.(again what kind of job? ) However, if a child have been
doing chores in their childhood, he or she would know the idea of
responsibility. He or she(you could just say with "they") would be aware of that it is important to assume the
responsibility for what they did. He or she will face the hardship directly and
will try to solve the problem actively. Thus, the children will be successful
at his or her job, have good character characteristics and will be trustful to others.( 문장을 끊어 주세요)
Second, children can feel strong family bonds by doing households(good!) They
can feel how hard their parents suffer (how 와 suffer? 의미가 불분명 다른 동사를 사용하세요 ) and sacrifice time to do housefholds.
They will understand their parents better and will feel more thankful to their
parents. Also, children can have their time with their family and develop a good
relationship while helping each other during the chores. For example, I did the washing dishes when my mother was sick. Before doing the dishes, I thought that it was
a piece of cake. However, in reality, it was hard. My hands were freezing cold
and I kept sliping the dishes. Also, it took about 40 minutes to finish the
dishes. After that, I realized how hard it is to be a mother and felt thankful
for doing all these chores for us.
In
conclusion, I think that children should spend most(most 는 아니겠죠? 대부분의 시간을 household 를 한 다는 주장이 point가 아닙니다) of their time helping their
family with households. Children can learn the concept of responsiblity by
doing housholds. (다른 단어로 표현 해보세요 houshold를 다른 형식으로 표현하는 것이 문맥을 더 풍성하게 보일 수 있습니다) Also, as I have learned from the above mentioned experience,
children can feel strong family relationship by doing the chores.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
-문맥이 자연스럽게 이어집니다 ! very good ! 그러나 기본적인 문법적인 오류나 좀 더 문장을 매끄럽게 만드는 연습이 필요합니다. 그리고 같은 단어, 동사 최대한 다른 표현으로 대체해 주세요. ( professional 하게 보일수 있습니다 )
-그리고 처음보다 나중에 ( point ) 를 잃어가는 경향이 있습니다.Conclusion을 신경 써주세요.
수고 하셨어요 ! |