people who live in villages and farms area satisfy with their lives compared to people who live in cities.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Thesedays, an increasing number of people pursue their lives in suburban suburb area. Because they think they can be more satisfied with lives in villages and farms than lives in cities. However, in my opinion, when it comes to satisfaction, I think people living in cities are much more satisfied with their lives than those in villages and farms. There are two reasons that I could discuss to support my opinion as follows.
First of all, living in cities serves people with a lot more convenience than living in a rural area. Because there are many people living in cities, lots of facilities and services can be concentrated in city areas in order to fulfill requirements of many people. People living in the city area can go to anywhere they want to go near their houses, such as a theater, restaurants, supermarkets and so on. However, people who live in a rural area have limitation in this situation. They have to go to the facilities far away from their house. Let’s say, I want to go to buy groceries and see movies. If I live in rural areas, I only have to get vehicles like bus and train to go to the shopping mall to buy groceries and see a movie. But, if I live in a big city like Seoul, Korea, I just go to the shopping mall and theater near my house. And this is applicable in any other situation, such as going to PC room, library, bookstore and so on. In this way, people living in a city area are less stressful and much more happier in terms of convenience. in this situation. Therefore, they are will be more satisfied with their lives. 적절한 논리와 사례 내용입니다. 도시에 편의 시설이 단순히 '많아서' 좋다는 설명보다는 행동 반경 안에 이것들이 모두 있어서 멀리 나갈 필요가 없어 편하다는 점을 강조하고 있으므로 사례 내용에서도 이 부분이 잘 드러나게끔 비교해주면 좋을 것 같아요. 또한 단순한 가정에서 출발한 사례보다는 실제 있었던 일처럼 제시해주는 것이 신빙성을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다. 예를 들어 나는 대도시 서울에 살아서 영화를 보거나 쇼핑을 즐기기 위한 이동시간이 길어봐야 30분 정도로 짧고 편리한데, 지방에 사는 내 친구는 시내까지 나가는 데 거의 1시간 가량 걸려서 시간 낭비가 많고 불편하다, 하는 식으로 실제 있었던 일처럼 내용을 제시해줄 수 있습니다.
Second, living in rural areas makes people lonely. It is said that people were born naturally in social beings and we cannot live with no friends nearby us. me. In case of living in a rural area, people have few friends or no friends near by them and it is hard for them to meet their friends far from their houses because of the lack of transportation systems. So they can’t enjoy fun things with their friends together nearby. But in cities, people can meet friends closed close to their houses and can go to meet their friends' friends house farther by taking convenient transportations. For example, if I live in a rural area and have no convenient transportations and friends nearby me, I don’t have no choice but to stay alone. and not to talk. Eventually, I’ll go crazy. However, in my case, I usually talk about mutual interest interests and enjoy games with my friends on weekdays. In this way, living in cities allows me to have a sense of happiness and I feel better with my friends. 지방에는 친구가 별로 없다는 내용은 논리가 부족합니다. 친구가 많고 적은 것은 개인에 따라 다른 부분일 뿐, 무조건 도시에 살면 친구가 많고 지방에 살면 친구가 적은 것은 아니므로 설득력이 떨어집니다. 도시의 특징과 지방의 특징에 따라 삶의 만족도가 결정되는 부분을 좀 더 고민해보시고 적절한 idea로 재구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. body1에서 도시의 편의시설들에 대해 언급했다면 body2에서는 대중교통과 관련해서 내용을 정리해볼 수도 있고요. 도시에는 대중교통이 잘 발달해 있어서 교통비가 많이 들지 않고 이동이 쉬운데, 지방은 대중교통 시설이 잘 되어 있지 않은 곳이 많아서 이동이 불편하고 돈이 많이 든다, 하는 식으로도 생각해볼 수 있고요.
To sum up, I strongly maintain the idea that people living in cities are more satisfied with their lives than people living in rural areas by giving two examples: convenience and not lonliness. In this regard, In this technology ages, we cannot say living in rural areas makes people be satisfied with their lives.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–22)
idea 면에서 좀 더 reasonable한 내용을 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 사례 내용도 좀 더 신빙성을 갖추도록 실제 경험한 내용이나 보도자료, 연구결과의 형태로 가공해서 제시해주는 편이 좋습니다. 기본적인 에세이 구성에 대한 감은 잘 잡고 계시니까 내용 면에서 improve해주신다면 실전에서도 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 문법오류와 오탈자도 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!