Some people live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a bit city. Which Place world you prefer to live in?
Use Specific reasons and details to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people prefer to live in a small town, because of beautiful landscape of nature and clean air, while others prefer to live in a big city. In my opinion, I advocate that living in a big city is better because it gives me numerous opportunities for my life. My reasons for this are that I can get high quality education and well-developed huge public transportation. I will explain them below. I가 전면에 나오는 경우는 speaking유형에서 더 많은 편이고, 가능한 writing에서는 '나'를 전면에 내세우는 것보다 더 general하게 people, one 등을 내세워서 글을 쓰는 것이 더 professional해보이니 참고하세요^^ I advocate that living in a big city is better because it gives people numerous opportunities for my life. 하는 식으로요.
First of all, a big city provides various educational chances with educational and cultural facilities. going through diverse experiences. 주제문에서 단순히 '다양한 경험'을 강조하고 있기 때문에 이후 등장하는 '고등교육시설'의 내용이 어색한 느낌을 줍니다. 문단 안에 두 가지의 내용이 들어 있다는 느낌을 주지 않도록 포괄적인 주제 '교육'에 focus를 두고 내용을 풀어주세요. A big city has many universities of high quality and professors who received higher education. The universities give me a valuable and meaningful education and then It is good for me to focus on research. 현재내용으로도 논지 전개는 아주 좋습니다. 좀 더 깐깐하게 체크하자면 좋은 교수진과 훌륭한 교육시스템이 갖춰져 있어서 -> 내가 하고싶은 공부에 help&advice를 많이 구할 수 있고 better한 결과물을 낳을 수 있다, 하는 식으로 표현하는 것이 focus할 수 있다는 내용보다 설득력이 더 높겠지요. In addition, living in a big city helps people to acquire a variety of experiences. 문단 전체의 중심내용을 '교육적 혜택'으로 잡았으므로 단순히 경험을 많이 할 수 있다고 설명하기보다 다양한 경험이 가능한 문화시설들을 갖추었기 때문에 학습에 도움이 된다, 하는 식으로 풀어주는 것이 글의 일관성을 보여줄 수 있겠지요. 이 부분에서도 크게 나쁜 점은 없지만 논리가 좋을수록 점수도 높아지니깐요. 깐깐하게 눈에 불을 켜고 체크해보았습니다:) It is useful to study for many students by visiting many educational places in a big city such as movie theater, historical, art museum and opera house. It can learn history, music, biology. For example, when I went to New York City, I went to natural history museum and I watched fantastic musical. Also I visited Lincoln center and I listened perfect harmony of orchestra there. At the same time, I learned various history and music. Then I spent more precious and
instructive time. It was nice for education. Practically New York University uses all of Mahattan city for campus to their education. If you living in a big city, you can receive high quaility education preciously and you can use all facilities of big city for your study.
Secondly, a big city offers a wide range of public transportation. Public transportation is convenient to our busy daily life. Usually most people commute to school or company by train, bus every day. Public transportation can shorten commuting time a lot. A big city has gigantic public transportation more than a small town. For instance, I studied for seven months in small town of New Zealand three years ago. When I studied there I did not have a car. I had a difficult time going to school. After I moved to Auckland that is the biggest city of New Zealand, however, I could commute to school so easy everyday by public transportation. The buses came my home frequently at intervals of 15 minutes. Therefore, it was more handy for me to commute to school. Transportation was important to my daily life. It provided a comfortable way to go to school, shopping mall and anywhere. Moreover, you can save your valuable time than living in a small town thanks to public transportation. Today, gas prices is rising gradually. In this regard, using public transportation instead of using car can save our cost of living. For instance, When we move anywhere if we buy metro Umlimited tikets it brings bring more economic fares. It is cheaper than we spend to using our own car. In these circumstances, if you living in a big city, you can make your life more efficient and convenient. big city의 대중교통 시스템이 가격면에서 효율적이라는 내용 자체는 적절하지만 앞부분에서 convenient라고 포괄적인 설명을 제시했기 때문에 굳이 가격적인 효율성을 따로 설명하지 않아도 될 것 같아요. 따로 내용을 moreover, 하면서 설명하기 보다는 뉴질랜드에서 살았던 경험담을 제시하기 전에 convenient and efficient하다는 식으로 내용을 합쳐서 제시한 후에 -> 뉴질랜드에서 지방에 살 때는 힘들었는데 도시에 오니까 편하고 통학하는 데 돈도 덜 들더라, 하는 식으로 다 합쳐서 설명하는 편이 일관성 측면에서 더 좋습니다.
In conclusion, I support the idea that living in a big city is better than living in a small city. Living in a big city offers numerous education opportunities and all of facilities to use for research. Moreover, living in a big city gives us profitable public transportation. It can make life more beneficial and fascinating in terms of time and cost efficiency. Therefore, I strongly agree with the idea that living in a big city provides many merits than living in a small town does.
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
전반적으로 good level은 충분히 받으실 수 있을 거예요. 논제파악이나 설명, 예증 부분에서 적절하고 일관성/다양한단어구사/관용적표현 부분에서도 점수를 더 얻을 수 있도록 유의해서 연습하시면 될 것 같아요. 실전에서는 시간배분이 중요하니 가급적 한 문단 안에 하나의 중심내용을 단계적으로 풀어내기를 염두에 두시고 최대한 사족 없이 시간 안에 적절한 본론을 구성할 수 있도록 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 그내님 화이팅!