Spending time with family is more important than being at work.
Some people think that advantages of spending time at work far outweigh those of being with family. However, in my opinion, spending time with family is has more advantages than being at work for two reasons: to receive help from others especially family and to have a more comprehensive understanding of life.
To begin with, spending time with family allows people to get practical assistance. This is because family members have accumulated their own know-hows in their careers or life. Thus, they have many resources and skills with which to teach and guide younger people. However, working at workplace alone doesn't allow people to get can provide any help that what people need want. In this sense, family time is beneficial for people who want sincere assistance and comfortable. For example, I learned much more from my family than from my peers when I first stated working at a motor company. Because my peers did not have much work experience, and we were not able to learn much from each others. On the other hand, my family taught me many important work skills such as how to create effective presentations and how to safely handle the machinery in the lab because they already have that experience. They helped me greatly, and thanks to them, I was able to acclimate easily to the workplace. (가족과 함께 있으면 실무에 도움이 되기 때문에 좋다는 주장은 조금 억지인 감이 있기도 하네요..! 자신의 업무에 대해 잘 알고 있고 도움을 줄 수 있는 사람이 가족중에 있는 일은 일반적인 경우가 아니기 때문에 설득력이 조금 떨어질 수 있어요. 또한, spending time with family는 보통 가족과 대화를 나누거나 여행을 가거나 하는 것을 떠올리는데, 그런 일반적인 생각과는 다른 의견이셔서 조금 놀랐습니다.^^ 개인적으로 이 것도 나쁘지 않을거라 생각하지만, 일단은 일반화하기에는 무리가 있는 주장이라 설득력이 떨어지는 면이 있기 때문에 이 점을 보완해주시면 좋을 것 같아요)
On top of that, spending time with family is good for teaches people to learn valuable life lessons. This is due to the fact that people can learn valuable lessons from their family members who are more mature and tend to have a more comprehensive understanding of life. And plus, they give(s) certain faithful belief rather than people in workplace because office members often pursue an artificial gathering in order to earn money. In this respect, family member’s understanding can affect younger people’ life in positive ways. For instance, after failing multiple times to pass the exam to become an English teacher, my sister became extremely discouraged. Most of her friends and - compare office members/coworkers advised her to pursue a different career, and she soon got soon stressed about her professional future. Meanwhile, my parents advised her to continue to study and try to pass the examination again. To encourage her to stick with her goal, they told her stories of how they overcame failures in their own lives. Because of their advice, my sister rose to the challenge, passed the her exam, and finally became a teacher last year. (적절한 예시라 생각됩니다)
To sum up, people benefit(s) more from spending time with their family than being at work. This is attributed to the fact that they can have more actual experience and valuable life lessons. In this regard, I strongly agree with the statement that spending time with family is more important than being at work for the reasons I mentioned above.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair (15~19)
총평:
1. 일반적으로 이 질문을 출제함으로서 예상하는 답변은 이런거라 생각합니다. "working"을 선택한 사람들은 돈을 버는 것이 중요하기 때문에, 단순히 가족과 시간을 보내는 것도 좋지만 돈이 있으면 가족에게 더 좋은 것을 해줄수 있기 때문에, 가족과 있는건 언제든 할 수 있지만 일은 시간을 딱 맞춰서 시급하게 해야 할 경우가 많기 때문에, 등을 이유로 들 것이고, "family"를 선택한 사람들은 돈보다는 가족이 더 중요하기 때문에, 일도 중요하지만 그러다 가족과의 관계가 소홀해질수 있기 때문에 등..을 말할 것 입니다. 이런 답변이 좀 더 일반적이고, 때문에 예시를 들어 설명하기도 쉽고 설득력이 있는 편이죠.
물론 제시하신 이유들도 충분히 주제와 연관이 있다고 생각합니다. 하지만 첫 번째 이유는 일반적으로 생각하면 조금 설득력이 떨어진다고 생각해요. 좀 더 가족이 가지고 있는 가치를 잘 나타내 줄 수 있는 이유를 들어주시길 바랍니다~!
2. 문법 오류 체크해주세요. 특히 s를 붙일 때, 안 붙일 때에 관해 실수를 여러 번 하셨는데, 이 점 확인해주시길 바랍니다. 다음번에는 좀 더 문법 오류를 줄일 수 있도록 신경써주세요^^
수고 많으셨습니다 :)