It is better to learn about foreign countries from newspaper and magazines than to visit countries.
Many people may wrangle over the statement that newpaper and magazines are better than to visit
countries to learn about foreign countries. Personally, I am not in agreement with the statement. I will lay out two logical bases for my position. (깔끔한 인트로네요. 지금 이대로도 좋지만, 가능하면 I am not in agreement with the statement 다음에 I think it is better to actually visit the country to learn about it~~같이 자신의 주장을 문장으로 한번 더 나타내주시면 더욱 더 주장이 명확할 것 같아요. 하지만 지금 이대로도 충분히 좋습니다^^)
The first logical basis is as follow: visiting foreign countries is exhilarates us and makes us happy. In
our rapidly-changing society, we have to face daily deadlines and balance a multitude of tasks. It is so depressing, which causes us to feel fatigued and melancholy. Many of us, however, find a break from
this stress by visiting foreign countries. Therefore, to visit foreign countries should to be one of the
releases from today's society. Given this, visiting foreign countries should be regarded higher than
newspaper and magazines to learn about them. In my case, I am up to my neck in work, and I feel tense at work. In addition, I need to make amicable relationships with my colleagues and bosses. Even bofore calling it a day, I feel utterly flat out and depressed.Therefore, I spend my vacation at foreign countries to
learn about them. Amazingly, I can instantly feel a sense of freedom from my stress-ridden routines and have time to recharge my batteries. As a further step, I do not worry about the following day when I have
to return to the rat race. (내용 연결이나 예시가 자연스럽고 좋아요. 하지만 살짝 걱정되는 점은, 에세이의 방향이 질문에서 의도한 것과 조금 다르게 간 것 같다는 점입니다. 질문에서는 "to learn foreign countries"라고 상황을 제시했는데, 스트레스를 풀기 위해서 여행을 가는 것과는 자칫하면 다른 얘기로 보일 수도 있을 것 같습니다. 여행을 가서 외국 음식을 먹어보고, 관광지를 방문하는 등 그 나라에 대해 알아가면서 일상을 잊고 즐길 수 있다, 그래서 스트레스도 풀 수 있다~ 같은 식으로 방향을 잡아주시면 질문과의 연계성도 높이고, 쓰신 내용을 크게 바꾸지 않고 가져가실 수 있을 것 같아요^^)
Secondly, I take the side of visiting foreign countries to learn about them because it enables us to build
up friendly relationships with others.The fast-evolving society promotes group competitions. As a result, there is often serious tension and anxiety on our relationship with others as well as families and friends. As a way of ameliorating relationship, we need to share the joy of life such as visiting foreign countries
together. Speci(p)fically, the BBC daily podcast(2013) finds that eighty-five percent of the surveyed respondents forms strong bonds with others via fun activities such as visiting foreign countires together. With
the help of visiting foreign countries together, we can simultaneously have time to discuss what had
occurred during the visiting period. Therefore, the respondents indicated that they could feel connections
and friendships; indeed, they think of them as fondly as they do about their families and friends. (여기서도 마찬가지로 질문의 주제와는 벗어난 것 같습니다. 다른 나라에 대해 배운다는 내용은 아예 빠져있는 것 같아요. 자칫 잘못되면 off-topic이 될 수도 있기 때문에, 최대한 논란의 여지가 없게 바꿔주시면 좋을 것 같아요!)
As seen the two logical bases presented above, I strongly contend that visiting countries should be
greatly valued in the unique situation on today's society. By doing so, we can evolve to be
well-balanced people who can escape from gloomy mood and alienation from others. (good)
Essay 0-30 score scale
Fair-good (17~24)
총평:
1. 문장력이 매우 좋으세요. 단어 선택도 좋고, 전반적으로 글을 자연스럽고 유연하게 잘 쓰시는 것 같습니다. 중간중간 조금씩 있었던 문법오류나 스펠링 실수 같은 것을 빼면 문장력에 관한한 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있을 것 같습니다. 앞으로는 이런 작은 실수도 없앨 수 있도록 에세이 작성 후 꼼꼼하게 검토하시는 습관을 가지시길 바랍니다!
2. 질문에서 요구하는 내용과 에세이 작성 해주신 내용이 조금 어긋난 것 같습니다. 문제를 좀 더 정확하게 읽어주시고 질문의 모든 파트에 대해 답할 수 있는 내용을 써주시길 바래요! 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있으실거라 생각하지만, 이번 문제에서는 주제가 조금 달랐기 때문에 점수가 많이 깍였습니다.
수고 많으셨습니다 :)