Human activities often have a negative effect on plant and animal species. Some people think that it is too late to do anything about this problem. Other people believe that effective measures / actions can be taken to improve the situation. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the contemporary society, human being attacks to plant and animal plant and animal have attacked by human abusing electricity and natural resources. In the recent year,(첫 문장 시작과 너무 비슷한 형태로 가는건 피해주세요 cf: in the contemporary society) there are many negative effects are occurred have occured such as destroyed ozone layer, global warming distanced animal and plant surround by human. ( 나열 하실때는 비슷한 형태로 ) Some people insist that it is too late to deal with those problems. While some civil assert( 적합한 단어가 아닙니다.) that human can recover our environment if people make an effort with struggle ( 문장이 어색하므로 with struggle 은 생략하는것이 좋습니다. )all together. This essay will prove that individuals can improve our environmental situation.( 문장 마지막에 topic을 집고 넘어가는건 좋습니다만 문장을 구성하고 있는 단어 라던지.. 조금 빈약합니다) Even though we have both views~ 로 시작하는건 어떨지요.
On the one hand, it can be argued that recovering environment is overdue task. Firstly, it is needed too much time and human resources as people know, through previous attempts to recover environment. ( 문맥상 의미를 파악 하기 힘듭니다. 간결하게 문법 수정 이 요구 됩니다. It requires too much time~~ 하고 부가설명 그리고 human resources 에 대해 부가설명 따로 따로 설명하여 간결하게 주제파악 할 수 있도록 ) For instance, water-purifying system takes over 50years to set back like into previous status. Secondly, People should deal with more important problem than plant and animal. There are many urgent social problems to need be solved by government and international aid associations except environmental issue such as the poverty and the war.
One the other hand, I believe that it is not easy but people can resolute this problem if they make an effort. (if they make an effort 너무 같은 단어를 반복 해서 사용하는건 좋지 않습니다. )There are numerous success cases as protecting desertification preserving wild animal. Green Peace, one of the largest and powerful environment Non-Government organization, announced that one of the desertification area in middle of china is recovered approximately 80% through planting trees in desert area. Moreover the extinct wild animal also appeared again after animal protecting campaign by WWF. (여러가지 example은 좋습니다만 조금더 한가지 example을 깊게 파고드는것도 문단이 더 깔끔해 보일 수 있습니다. )
For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that people can keep and recover our environment even the effort not easy 동사 를 넣어주세요 making an effort is not ~. When civil participate in environmental campaign and live eco-friendly anywhere, anytime. It will be just happen not problem anymore. we will solve the environmental problem, or overcome this issue 문법 체크 하시구요 be 동사 다음에 just happen 은 맞지 않습니다. 그리고 마지막 문장 이니 만큼 강력하게 주제를 드러낼 수 있는 문장이 요구 됩니다.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (16–18)
-문법 오류가 많아 내용의 전달력이 떨어집니다. 문장 쓰실때 기본적인 문법적인 오류를 범하지 않게 노력해주세요.
-기본적인 에세이 틀에 대한 이해는 잘 잡혀있습니다. 하지만 더 설득력 있는 전략적 방법들을 잘 사용하셔서 글을 쓰는것을 연습하시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다