▶ Your Answer :
When it comes to the appearance, some people argue that today's people pay less attention to their fashion and outer beauty than before. However, I definitely believe that people greatly care for their own appearance and clothes. (도입 부분이 불 명확 합니다. pay less attention? 왜 이 구문을 첫 구문으로 사용하는지요? 더 좋은 도입부분을 찾아보세요) This is not only because by putting the importance on their external presentation, people are able to represent their internal minds, images and views to the world in the favorable way, but also because these days, the worldwide trends of outward beauty are negatively resulting in the negative side effects of many people.
First of all, most people usually try to express their own positive images and reveal their personal statement to the world through with manipulated manipulating the outward appearance and style.(문장이 너무나 꾸밈이 많습니다. 직접적인 문장이 더 간결해 보이고 또렷해 보일 수 있습니다.)
This is evident when one ponders that whether a person underneath their clothes is truly neat and positive or passive and lazy, the appearance of him or her tell the world what images they want to convey and their personal views to the society.
To illustrate this point, one study of one hundred of company released recently revealed that the candidates at a job interview attempt to look more professional and appealing by putting on the well-fitting clothes. Also, experienced interviewer said that the attractive candidates in a job interview wear the formal and well-coordinated suits. According to interviewers' accounts, as candidates wear the clean, neat and organized clothes, they see the candidates more favorably and feel that he or she delivers the message that he is a self-manageable and conscious person. This clearly shows that most people absolutely focus their interests on personal appearance and style because of their images and external statements.( too much because of; meaning that you are putting too much additional explanation on your sentences) 항상 문장 뒤에 because of or and 구구 절절 설명이 많이 붙습니다. 삼가해 주세요. 이것보다 두문장으로 나누어서 쓰는게 훨씬 문장이 깔끔해 보입니다.
Secondly, people increasingly meet the negative events generated as a result of the excessive investment on their appearance. That is, this is why a lot of so many people have spent their substantial amount of money on making their appearance or clothes look better to others and thus, this often has led to the destructive consequences for numerous people, from young adults to older people.( make two different senteces, sentences are too unclear) For instance, my sister was a good and decent student in high school. However, when she graduated her high school and was about to enter the college, she suddenly began to pay
her attention to the appearance and fashion. Unfortunately, she asked parents to give a considerable money to her so that she can get the a plastic surgery for changing her face.
Consequently, after the operation of her face, the irreversible side effect happened and she suffered from these traces in her face. Then, she had a hard time for a long time until she gradually recovered through the special treatment in a remote country. This incident indicates that many people often lose their precious time and money because of their exorbitant interests on their outward beauty. (also please divide the sentences)
To summarize, because today's people put their efforts, energy and money into the appearance and fashion in order to present better their images and minds and often( images and minds often), this trend of focus on the external presentation has a bad influence on someone's life, I strongly agree that people greatly tend to emphasize their external presentation.(too short to summurize your thoughts, please be specify your first and second thesis)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17-23)
문장을 항상 꾸미려는 식으로 진행시키는 것 같습니다. 간결하고 명료하게 ! 문장 쓰는 연습을 필요로 합니다.논리 적이게 펼쳐 나가는것은 좋습니다.시작 과 끝에 더 포인트를 잡아 문단을 마무리 지어 주세요.
수고 하셨습니다 ! |