Young people have more enjoyable lives that the elderly.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Opinions might be divided over young people enjoy their lives more than elderly people. People from different walks of life may take different stances on this issue. Personally, I disagree with the given statement, and there are two reasons that could validate my position.
To begin with, older people have more time and money to enjoy their lives. Older people usually retired from their jobs, so they have a lot of free time than young people who are busy with studying and working. Also, they worked for a long time, so they made lots of money. Enough time and money that young people usually do not have offers a wider range of options to imprive quality of life. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 삶을 즐기기에 필요한 시간과 돈이라는 요소를 설명하고 older people들에게 시간과 돈이 많다는 점을 연결해서 논리를 구성한 흐름이 좋습니다. For example, my grandmother worked so hard when she was young that she has enough fortune to travel around. Also, she quit her job so she has enough time too. She goes many places around the country and around the world with her family members whenever she has opportunity. So she feels happy and satisfied with her life. If there is not enough not time and money like young people do, it is not easy to travel around and enjoy their life. main idea를 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다.
On top of that, older people know how to enjoy life through (their) abundant experiences. Older people went through various events, from marriage to retirement. From these many events, older people underwent different emotions such as happiness, sadness, angriness and depression. So they know how to express their feelings and how to deal with problems about relationships. 관계에서 오는 문제점이라는 요소가 등장하기에는 흐름이 부자연스러운 것 같아요. 계속해서 여러 사건과 경험을 통해 많은 감정들을 경험했다는 설명을 제시했으므로 '경험'과 '감정'에 초점을 두고 풀어내도 좋겠습니다. 예를 들어 많은 경험을 통해 여러 감정들을 느꼈고 -> 그 감정들을 어떻게 표현하고/누르면서 자신의 삶에 도움이 되게 하는지를 안다, 하는 식으로 흐름을 다듬어볼 수 있지요. 또는 '감정'이라는 한 가지 요소에 치우치지 않도록 설명을 다듬어서 여러 사건을 통해 다양한 감정을 경험하고 문제 상황을 해결하는 능력이나 인간관계를 잘 유지하는 노하우 등이 쌓인다, 하는 식으로 표현하는 것도 좋을 것 같고요. Also, Many studies show that older people have less stress than young people and they know the way to recover from their depression. Kind of These abilities make their lives more exciting, interesting and valuable. For instance, my grandmother who is mentioned above has the capacity to solve many problems, ranging from conflict with others to her physical and mental disorders. So she can live her life without any big problems these days. This leads to her better quality of life. In On contrast, my younger brother has many problems related to dealing with his emotions, relationship with his friend and his depression because he does not have various experiences like his grandmother. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
To sum up, older people’s enough time and their abilities to deal with many problems lead to better life. In this regard, I firmly believe that older people have the freedom and opportunity to enjoy their lives more than that people who are younger.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–26)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 reasonable한 주장과 설명이 잘 연결되어 있다는 점이 좋습니다. 설명 과정에서 흐름이 부자연스러운 부분이나 사례 내용이 논제와 연결되는 부분들을 더 보완해주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 문법 오류나 오탈자를 점검할 수 있는 시간 여유 남겨두시면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!