Students are influenced more by their friends than by their teachers.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think thinks that students are influenced more by their teachers than by their peers because teachers can give them practical advice advices. *advice는 불가산명사이기 때문에 수량표현을 사용하지 않습니다. However, I disagree with this statement for two reasons. One reason is that students communicate with their peers more than with their teachers. Another The other reason is that students trust each other more than their teachers.
To begin with, the communication between students allows them to have much influence on each other. This is due to the fact that students are always in keeping in touch with their peers through e-mail, text messages, or telephones. Meanwhile, On the other hand, they do not have much communication but the formal communication in school with their teachers. 학생들이 서로 의사소통을 자주 하는 것이 서로에게 영향을 많이 미치는 것과 어떤 관련이 있는지를 설명해주세요. 예를 들어 interaction이 많을수록 사고방식이나 생활방식 등에 더 많은 영향을 미친다, 하는 식의 전제를 제시하고 또래들끼리는 서로 interaction(communication)이 더 많기 때문에 영향도 많이 받는다는 연결을 이어주면 논리적인 설명을 쉽게 보완할 수 있지요. For example, my friends and I are in keeping in contact through text messages. In fact, we send text messages to each other a lot numerous times every day. Because we exchange much information about many topics such as good academies, hot places, and new musics, I depend a lot on the information which my friends give. This shows that students influence each other greatly through frequent communication.
On top of that, trusting trust among friends plays a significant role in influencing each other. This is because students have accumulated similar experience in their school lives and they can give friends practical advice advices one another. On the other hand, it is hard for teachers to understand students’ problems totally because they are older than students and do not know exactly what students need. 서로에 대한 '믿음'과 '이해'는 다른 개념입니다. 또래들끼리 서로를 잘 이해한다는 점, 공감대가 더 많다는 점이 왜 서로에게 더 많은 영향을 미치게 하는지 설명해주는 흐름으로 다듬어보시면 좋을 것 같아요. According to a study conducted by the Ministry of Education of Korea, the percentage of students who believe in their peers is about 70% and students who believe in their teachers is only about 20%. 마찬가지로 친구를 믿느냐/선생님을 믿느냐를 비교하는 것은 '서로에 대한 이해'나 '영향'과는 아무런 관련이 없습니다. 전하고자 하는 point가 명확해지도록 논리를 정리해주세요. Moreover, that study shows that students follow more easily other students’ suggestion than teachers’ suggestion, because students believe their peers more.
To sum up, students communicate with each other more frequently than with their teachers and students believe each other more than their teachers. In this regard, I agree with the statement that friends have a greater influence on students than teachers do.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 전체적인 에세이 구성이 잘 잡혀 있다는 점이 좋습니다. 내가 idea로 제시하는 내용들이 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결될 수 있도록 설명을 더 보완하는 부분, idea가 명확하게 전달되도록 다듬는 부분들에 초점을 두고 improve해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!