Elementary school students should be required to take classes eleven months per year for a better education.
Some people may think that elementary school students should not be required/forced attended to take classes less than (여기서 less than을 써버리시면 문장 내용이 뒤죽박죽 되어버리게 됩니다. 앞에서 should not be required to take classes라고 해주셨으니까 뒤에서는 그냥 eleven months가 나와야 의미가 맞아요. 또는, 처음부터 should take classes less than eleven months라고 해주실 수도 있습니다. 이 둘 중 하나로 고쳐서 의미를 정확하게 전달할 수 있게 해주세요~!) eleven months per year. However, they fail to consider the benefits of taking classes eleven months per year. Thus, I strongly disagree with those people and think that elementary school students should be required to take classes eleven months per year. There are mainly two reasons why I think this way. (뒤에 나올 이유들이 무엇인지 간단하게 소개하고 넘어가는 것도 좋을 것 같아요^^)
To begin with, it is better for elementary school students (주체가 누구인지 명확하게 해주세요) to spend more time at school rather than at home. It is because they are able to spend more time with their school teachers. According to a the survey conducted by the Ministry of Family Affair, it is revealed that the number of the students that both of their father and mother work is twice greater than that of a decade ago. It says that there is not much time for students to spend time with their parents. In this situation, it would be beneficial for students if they have come to spend more time at school. In fact, teachers are experts of education, who were trained by Government. Therefore, I can surely say that having a lot of time with teachers at school would be more helpful for elementary school students to have a better education rather than staying being at home.
In addition, elementary school students are able to develop their skills, such as the power of understanding and communication skill, by interacting much time with those who are in the same age with them. In a recent research that was made by Seoul National University in Korea, more than half the number of elementary students who have spent a lot of time with their friends tend to have better power of understanding than those who have not. This indicates that why having more time at school is better for stud7ents. (문단이 조금 짧은 듯 해요. 디테일한 예시가 있었으면 좋겠습니다. 앞에 문단에서도 연구결과를 뒷받침 예시로 말씀해주셨기 때문에 여기서는 personal example 등을 들어서 설명해주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요!)
In sum, although some people may think that it is not good to take classes eleven months per year, I firmly disagree with them due to the reasons I mentioned above. (이렇게 써주셔도 의미는 갖겠지만, I disagree하고 상대편 의견을 반대한다는 말로 끝나는 것 보다 I believe that ~~~(주장) 처럼 자신의 주장을 다시 한 번 말씀해주시는 게 더 효과적일 것 같습니다. 또한, thesis statement를 말해줄때에는 문제에서 제시된 내용에서 빠트리지 않고 말씀해주셔야합니다. "Elementary school students"가 수업을 11개월 들어야한다고 언급해주세요!)
Essay 0-30 score scale
Limited~Fair (17~22)
총평:
1. 조금만 더 논리적이고 강하게 주장을 뒷받침 할 수 있도록 노력해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다~ 특히, 인트로는 채점관이 글을 읽는 첫 부분이기 때문에 더욱 더 신경써주시길 바래요. 명확하게 반대편 의견과 자신의 주장, 그리고 이유를 써주시길 바랍니다!
2. 문법 오류가 조금 많이 보입니다. 단어 사용 오류도 있었구요. 이런 부분들에 세세하게 신경써주시고, 다 쓰신 후에는 꼭 검토하는 습관을 가지시길 바랍니다. 오류를 조금만 줄여도 더 좋은 점수를 받으실 수 있을거에요~!
3. 예시는 구체적이고 주제에 맞게 써주셔야합니다. 특히, 구체적 설명이 없으면 에세이 길이도 짧아지고, 주장을 뒷받침하는데에도 어려움이 있습니다. 좀 더 디테일하게 써주시길 바래요^^
수고많으셨습니다 :)