▶ Your Answer : Some people might say that it's just waste of time it is just a waste of time (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) to try out many different jobs. However, in my opinion, it is useful to try out several different occupations before committing to a long-term jobs. Because there are many advantages of doing so. By trying multiple jobs people can experience various things and find their own career. for the following two subsequent reasons.
To be specific, trying different jobs make makes (ing뒤에는 동사 원형을 사용해야 합니다) people experience many things. Also, people can get useful skills that can be used in anywhere. Let me explain my views on this. I'll take my personal experience as an example. I For example, I (let me explain~같은 표현은 구어체이기 때문에 적절하지가 않습니다) did a lot of part-time jobs since I was 20 years old. I worked in wedding hall, academy, coffeeshop ,so on. and coffee shop whenever I worked, I met several people and we communicate each other in positive ways. when I'm in trouble they are always there for me and willing to help to help. Also, I learned how to use Photoshop program in wedding hall and I use this skill helpfully when I do my assignments.
On top of that, people can find their real career carefully. nowadays, people are usually don't do not (독립형 에세이에서는 줄인말을 서술하면 안됩니다) know what they really want and what makes them happy. People have to experience so that they can find their favorite things to do forever. let me explain my views on this. I'll take my sister's experience as an example. she rwanted to be For example, my sister wanted to become a teacher when she was a little girl. Because my parents wanted my sister to be a teacher. After graduating university, she became a elementary school teacher. she was happy about that but she always said to me that she don't have any experience except teaching. Also, she regretted for not doing any part-time job. does not have any experience except teaching (she는 단수 주어 입니다)
To sum up, having various work experience is useful. it makes people acquire skills and meet many people. Also, it makes people find their favorite jobs. In this regard, I think people should try out several jobs before committing to a long-term jobs.
점수: 23 일단 대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다. 지금 이 에세이 같은 경우는 대문자가 필요한 부분이 있음에도 불구하고 대문자가 서술되지 않는 부분들이 있습니다. 따라서 대문자는 문장 시작할 때만 서술하시길 바랍니다. 또한 전체적으로 너무 어색한 표현들이 많습니다. 제가 지적한 부분들을 숙지하면서 에세이를 서술하시길 바랍니다. 수고많으셧습니다. |