▶ Your Answer :
Undoubtedly, individual room plays a significant role
in many places where people work or play. Some people may think that students
with messy rooms are likely to achieve much more success than other students
who have tidy rooms while others do not. Both sides may have their own reasons
to support to their view. If I were asked to choose one, I would say that
students who keep their rooms clean will highly succeed than others who do not.
There are some reasons as follows.
To begin with, keeping rooms tidy helps students
improve their sense of responsibility. Lots of duties such as managing time and
abiding by rules are needed for students who keep their rooms tidy all the time.
When those obligations are fulfilled, students are likely to realize the
importance of being responsible. For example,
when my younger brother was in middle school, he used to be lazy and hand out
his homework late very often. Honestly, he seemed to have no any responsibility
about his school work. However, he has changed little by little after he
started to keep his room clean for one semester. He realized that his laziness
would negatively affect everyone while being responsible would be very helpful
for him and others as well. Furthermore, he got high confidence by succeeding this
small habit every day.
He showed some of characteristics such as submitting his homework
assignments on time and actively participating in his part in his class. Naturally, He could excel throughout his middle school and got straight A’s
at the last semester. If he would have had messy his room, he still would have
fallen behind.
In addition, tidy
room allows student to save time and energy. When students have messy rooms, it
is really hard for them to concentrate on their studies and take a rest.
Therefore students who have clean rooms tend to improve their work performance
by concentrating easily and efficiently on assignments in their rooms. For
instance, when my oldest sister was in high school, she often felt depressed,
thinking that her life become exhausting routine. Because she spent the whole day
studying academic subjects in her messy room, she did not have time to let off
her steam and meet others. One day, she figured out that finding reading
materials in her room required a lot of time and energy for her since her rooms
was messy. Moreover, she didn’t concentrate on her tasks efficiently, thinking other
tasks on her desk. Fortunately, she decided to keep her room tidy every morning.
Thanks to his tidy room, she eventually focused more on her tasks as well as improved
efficiency of her study time, having additional free time to hang out with
friends. She found her life meaningful and started to dream of being a teacher after
all. Without her tidy room, she would have been worse off.
All things are considered, the importance of having
tidy rooms for students far outweigh the advantages of messy rooms. All in all,
it is highly recommended to keep their rooms clean for students in the pursuit
of success in life.
에세이 아주 잘 쓰셨습니다. 처음 주장 설명하는 것 부터 supporting detail까지 아주 잘 설명되어 있고, 이에 따른 예시도 적절하게 잘 드신 것 같습니다. (동생 예시 좋았습니다) 다만 어휘가 많이 반복되는 듯 하고 (messy나 tidy같이 아주 많이 나오는 어휘들) 조금은 기본적인 어휘 위주로 사용된 듯 하여 어휘 부분 조금 아쉬웠습니다. 많이 나올 수 밖에 없는 중요 어휘들은 다양하게 dirty나 disorganized 같이 기본적인 어휘도 좋으니 바꿔서 작성해주세요
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