▶ Your Answer : Some people think that being concentrate on one specific field is better than encouraging students to divide their pastime to do various activities. However, in my opinion, I think that doing diverse hobby activities for students is more helpful to student. This is because students can get a lot of knowledge and they will be able to can be more competitive than others.
To begin with, students can gain a tremendous amount of information through participating in the various fields. It is required for people It requires people to have a wide variety of knowledge rather than deep knowledge of one specific field in this world we live in. It will be become plus factor to them. A person who have a great amount of knowledge in the various fields is regarded as ‘ a person with intelligence’ nowadays. For example, when I was a middle school student, I was only focusing on playing computer game when I had (문장 안에서 시제 맞추는 거 정말 정말 중요합니다) extra time. Thus, my view was very narrow since I was not have interested in other activities. One day, my friend has asked to me for taking design history class which was held at school every Saturday. I was hesitated momently.(what do you mean by that?) However, I took the design art class with my friend. I learned diverse of (diverse design history/ diversity of design history이게 맞습니다) design history per countries. Eventually, I could broaden my horizon of the art world. Therefore, It helps me study art subject easily when I prepared school exam and when I talked with diverse field people like art or design, it made me more confident.
On top of that, student would be become (앞에 실수 인줄 알았는데 다시 쓴거보니까 아니네요. would be나 would become둘 중 하나만 쓰시는게 더 낫습니다) more competitive. In this world of endless competition, people ought to stand out . Everyone is aware that entering prestigious university is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle nowadays, (이런 부분 콤마 아주 중요합니다) so in order to stand out, people must be experience a lot of kinds of activities. One high school in my community is suitable example. The school supported diverse after-school program. Even though It was not mandatory, it was very popular to students. Students could take (could took이런 문법 없습니다. 주의해주세요) the class which they want. They could learn more other skills such as writing essay skills and practical coding methods. These activities gave many opportunities for students to find their aptitudes and improved extra skills except study. Thanks to doing many sorts of activities, students were more competitive than other students who did not any extra activities (문장 전혀 연결되지 않습니다) when they applied to well known university. My older sister who graduated this high school could express herself well when she wrote a university entrance application since she could improve her writing skill which was supported from school.
To sum up, doing diverse activities is good for getting tremendous of information and becoming more competitive than others. In this regard, I strongly believe that doing many kinds of activities is more better for students.
문장적인/문법적인 오류가 정말 굉장히 많습니다. 제가 봤을 때는 단순한 실수가 아니라 정말 몰라서 틀린 것 같습니다. 이에 관해서는 전체적인 proof reading뿐만이 아니라 전체적인 문법 공부가 다시 필요할 것 같습니다. 에세이 연습보다는 문장쓰기/paragraph쓰기 연습이 더 효과적일 듯 합니다. 문법 comment는 위에 있으니 잘 읽어보시길 바랍니다. |