▶ Your Answer : Today’s society, unlike the past, is fully developed and prepared to respond to our needs immediately, thanks to the contributions our ancestors had put for the improvement of it. However, I personally believe that, in some ways, it is better for us to be slow opposed to the velocity of this world developed, especially while we are working. I feel this way for two main reasons which I will explore in the following essay. If a person try to yield the results swiftly, there must be a or (이렇게 쓰신 의도는 알겠는데 이렇게 안 쓰셔도 됩니다. ) many mistakes. (앞에 전혀 설명이 없는데 바로 as a result가 나오나요? 무슨 result인가요 more explanations are needed) As a result, it might lead to the over-flooding of insecure information. However, this is really bad for people, due to the fact that it can mislead them in various ways.(무슨 various ways요??) A blog, for example, is a web page that a random person manages, and could be classified as one of works, since some people make money through blogs. I once searched for the food which my dog cannot eat, on the web site. I found a blog which insisted that dogs should not eat an egg because it has somewhat hazardous nutrients in it. Another blog appeared right under that blog, on the other hand, stated that eggs are actually full of advantages for the dogs, so you should give them eggs. I haven’t still figured out about it. Likewise, the misinformation come from fast done works without sufficient researches, could confuse people and even harm them and the dogs, too. Additionally, being slow in this rapidly changing society would be helpful to maintain your own pace on everything. Many people these days always want speedy food services, fast connections for their electric devices, and short-term finishing diets. They don’t have any space in their minds, which is really sad.(정확하게 무슨 뜻인가요?) However, if someone has a expanse in his mind, it might increase the work efficiency of him, because he may have more time – not physical time, but psychologically - to reckon about a task which he, for example, assigned to report to his boss. That would lead to less or no faults in his report at all, and might also soar his confidence and love toward the work he’s doing. Slow-oriented way could take longer time than fast-finishing-work method when they required same amounts of tasks, though. Yet, it is essential to mull over that the latter would be exhausting and less satisfactory, since it can never lift one’s work efficiency up with those mistakes. In conclusion, I strongly believe that having slow pace on working is crucial. That is because you don’t want to produce untrue data affecting people all around the world, and because solving tasks slowly motivates you by reducing the chances making flaws.
에세이 전체에 정확한 point가 없는 느낌입니다. vague한 문장들도 너무 많고, 명사들도 다 various ways/something이렇게 정확하게 명시되어 있지 않다 보니 전하고자 하는 바가 이해가 잘 안갑니다. 물론 잘 쓰신 부분도 있습니다. 하지만 잘 쓰신 부분 보다는 못 쓰신 부분이 조금 더 드러나느 듯 합니다 제 생각에는 주장 전하는 방법by supporting detail 쓰기 연습을 조금 하셔야 할 것 같습니다.
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