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Nowadays, techonology has developed very much. Some people worry that the developed technology can make children less creative. However, in my opinion, new technology encourage children to be more creative than before. Because children can see and learn through the developed devices and this kind of technology inspires children to think more.
To start with, children have more opportunities to experience a various of fields through the technology. The developed devices such as TV, smartphones, and Internet provide them a ton of information than before. than before라고 쓰셨는데 비교급이 없네요Children can obtain knowledge (knowledge는 복수형도 knowledge입니다 이렇게 조그마한 어휘 오류가 에세이 흐름을 망치게 되니 주의해주세요) and information whenever they want, and this make them be more creative. For example, my grand father wanted to be a inventor like Tomas Edison. He had some ideas of brilliant inventions but he could not get information about that. So his creative thinking was always limited.( 예시가 약간 잘못된 것 같습니다. 토마스 에디슨도 인터넷이 없었습니다) But now, many children who have some good ideas can build up their ideas more through the information. They share their ideas via internet and make it more creative with integration of ideas.
On top of that, new technologies motivate children to be much more creative.(위에서도 그렇고 to부정사 잘 안 넣으시는데 꼭 넣어주셔야 합니다.) New developed machines or technologies invoke their curiosity and encourage them another inventions. Children are familliar with the atmosphere of society, and thanks to this affection, they will be more creative in the future. For instance, when Iphone was released first, every people were shocked because the phone was a product which combined cell phone with mp3 player. But now, the phone has developed far more. The phone has functions of not only mp3 player function and but also camera. Like this, new idea and new invention encourage people think more new ideas. Children are also affected by this. They may think another inventions because they have seen the progress of new ideas.
To sum up, children are more creative than they were in the past because they have more chances to get more information and they can experience new technologies. In this regard, I firmly believe technology has made children more creative than before.
음 전체적으로 문법적인/문장적인 오류가 굉장히 많은 편입니다. 이에 관해서는 proof reading도 중요하지만, 전반적인 문법 공부가 더 필요해보입니다. to 부정사나 시제, 그리고 문장 쓰기 연습 쪽에 더 집중해서 작성하도록 해주세요
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