Some people may think that teachers are more influential to their students ("more"이라는 표현을 쓰시려면 비교하는 대상도 함께 제시해주셔야 합니다) have the greatest influences on students. However, as an old adage says, " Friends friends are the best teachers", and it is obvious that students are influenced more by their mates than by their teachers. This is because students spend much of their time with friends and they also feel are exposed to peer pressure.
Introduction paragraph에 필요한 요소들을 모두 다 잘 써주셨어요. 초반에 general information으로 독자의 주목을 끌고, 본론으로 연결되는 부분이 매끄럽고 자연스럽습니다. 또, introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 thesis statement를 아주 잘 써주셨어요. 주제와 주장 제시, 근거 나열 모두 잘 써주셨습니다~ 몇몇 어색한 표현만 참고해주세요~
First of all, students spend more time with their friends than their teachers. It is no exaggeration to say that students are always with their friends. To be specific, students are hanging around and studying together in schools school. Friends are the ones whom they meet the most. Therefore, they share some lasting memories together. For instance, whenever I think of my teenage memories, I am reminded think of my highschool friends. My friends and I studied together and competed with each other. However, we also shared our feelings toward unpredictable future. We cried and smiled together during those years. I cannot imagine myself without them and my shared experiences with them. With my personal experience, I believe that friends are the ones who have the biggest impact on students.
첫번째 body paragraph에서 도입 부분도 적절하고 본론을 소개하는 부분도 좋습니다. 제시해주신 예시도 개인적인 경험을 토대로 한 것이라 신빙성도 높고 설득력도 좋습니다. 예시에 대한 부연 설명도 충분히 해주셔서 이해하기 쉽고 주제와도 잘 이어지네요. 다만, 부연 설명하시는 부분에서 약간 반복되는 내용이 있습니다. 같은 내용을 계속 설명하는 것보다는 좀 더 다양한 디테일들을 써주세요~
In addition, students are affected greatly by peer pressure as well. They feel some kind of obligation to mimic their friends. Young people often feel that they are falling behind when they do not follow their friends' trend. This peer pressure is greater than any influence of teachers'. For example, there was a heated debate over the boom of expensive jackets among students in Korea. Korean young adults were overly attacted to the expensive jackets produced by a foreign brand. Then, they bought the jackets and wore it as it was if they were their uniform. Those who cannot afford to buy the jackets felt depressed because they were often humiliated by their friends. They also felt pity of themselves as they could not afford the jacket. Some of them even stole money from stores to buy the jacket or forced their parents to buy one for them. It was a representitive phenomenon of peer pressure. As it shows, peer pressures affect students a lot.
먼저, 두번째 body paragraph의 주장은 참신해서 좋습니다~ 앞의 문단에서 개인적 경험을 토대로 예시를 사용하셨다면 이번에는 시사/사회 문제를 인용하여 쓰신 것이 아주 좋네요~ 예시가 다양하고풍부합니다. 부연설명도 적절히 잘 설명해주셨습니다. 다만, 예시와 주제를 연관짓는 논리적 연결이 약간 부족한 것 같습니다. 주제는 "선생님보다 친구들이 더 영향력이 크다"인데, "또래 친구들의 영향"에만 초점을 두기에는 약간 off-topic한 감이 있네요. 논리적 연결에 신경써주세요~ 또, 문단의 마지막에 전체적인 문단을 요약/재강조하는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다~
To summarize, I firmly believe that friends have greater influence over on students than teachers; friends are the ones that students spend their time most and there is a great amount of peer pressure among young adults.
깔끔한 conclusion paragraph이네요. Conclusion paragraph에서는 전체적인 글의 요약과 thesis statement를 재강조해주셔야 합니다. 같은 말이라도 다르게 표현하는 것이 중요합니다~ 문법이나 문장 구조 상으로도 큰 문제는 없습니다 :)
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
영어 표현이나 영어로 글쓰는 것에 능숙하신 것 같습니다~ 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 큰 문제 없이 잘 이해가 됩니다. 특히나 토플 라이팅의 정석 형식에 따라 글의 구조를 잘 짜주셨습니다.또, 관용구 표현과 어휘력 부분을 좀 더 신경써주시면 더욱 자연스러운 글이 될 것 같네요~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.25/5 -> 27/30