There are a lot of controversies exist over whether teachers should make their social and political view known to students in the classroom. However, I strongly believe that teachers should not show their social and political opinions, because I think teachers should be a mediator, not a pitchman, and because I think teachers should (앞의 내용과 같기 때문에 생략 하셔도 됩니다) help students to establish their own social and political opinions.
Intro가 깔끔하고 to the point 로 잘 쓰여진 것 같아요!
To start with, I believe that teachers should not express their social and political opinions because I think teachers they (같은 주어를 반복해서 써 주실 필요는 없어요. 간단하게 쓰는 게 좋습니다) should be the one who is most impartial in classes. Since social and political issues are very delicate and provoking subjects, it these issues (it이 받아야 하는 것이 social and political issues 이기 때문에 복수로 주어를 받아주셔야 합니다) can easily bring up the arguments among students and bring take them apart. And (문장을 and로 시작하는 건 좋지 않아요. 다른 단어로 바꿔 주시는 게 좋을 것 같아요) if teachers instill their social and political philosophies into students, there might happen into be a big disputes between among (between은 2개를 비교할 때 쓰고 among은 3개 이상의 물건/사람 등을 비교할 때 쓰입니다) students. I think It's it is (토플에서는 줄여서 쓰는 것 보다는 풀어서 쓰는 것이 좋아요. It’s 보다는 it is가 좋습니다) because I think the main ideas and philosophical opinions of the Democratic Party and the Republican party that provoke controversies between each other can never be settled because they both right and wrong (문장의 의미가 vague 합니다. 그리고 마지막 문장을 they both are right and wrong 이라고 하셔야 문법적으로 맞는데 논리적으로는 right and wrong이 두가지 다 될수가 없습니다. 때문에 because they are neither right nor wrong. 이라고 쓰는 게 더 좋을 것 같아요. 의미상으로 어떤 주장도 맞거나 틀리다고 할 수 있는게 아니라는 의미가 됩니다.).
Lastly, I think teachers should not propagate their opinion because I think that teachers should help students to establish their own opinions about social and political issues. I think it's basically the same thing between showing teacher's own opinion about the social and political issues and brainwashing (문장구조를 조금 변경해 주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 좀 더 clear 한 문장을 만들어 주시는 게 좋겠네요), because adolescent students are so susceptible to other's opinion, since they haven't lived long enough to establish established their adequate social and political opinion, and they don't have the criteria to distinguish right and wrong. Therefore, if they are exposed exposured to teachers’ social and political opinion, students can turn into socially and politically biased people person. And I think it's the teacher's job to keep them away from such situation.
In summary, I think teachers shouldn't show their own opinion regarding social and political issues because I think teachers should be impartial and mediator between students and because I think teachers should help students to establish their own social and political opinions, not instill his(or her)their opinion. All in all, these are the reasons why I think teachers should not express their own social and political opinions to their students.
전체적으로 내용적인 측면에서는 따로 손봐야 하는 건 없는 것 같아요. 본인의 의견도 확실히 나타나있고 그에대한 이유도 정확하게 나와있는 것 같아요. 하지만 예시를 더 덧붙여 주실 수 있으면 좋을 것 같아요. 그리고 문법적으로는 좀 더 신경을 쓰면서 에세이를 작성하는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 전반적으로 문장의 구성에 신경을 쓰면서 다시한번 proof reading을 해 보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요.