It is often said that students should concentrate on only studying and getting good grades in school. However, I firmly believe that playing sports can be helpful for student to deal with their stress and develop a sense of responsibility. This is the reason why I recommend that universities have to promote investing in such departments.
To begin with, playing sports enables people to lower their stress level. This is attributed to the fact that playing sports can distract students from their worries and stress. This simple and quick escape from the reality may actually serve as a safety valve to let off some steam as well as a fun way to recharge energy. According to the Ministry of Education of Korea in 2009, there was a huge difference between two groups of students in managing their academic pressure. Students in group A who spent four hours a week playing basketball were more satisfied with their school lives than those in group B who were rarely engaged in such activities. Moreover, those in group B were got involved in dangerous activities, such as smoking, drinking, and stealing to cope with their stress. This implies that playing outdoor activities can be a safe and effective way to let out frustration and stress.
In addition, moderate physical exercise allows students to enhance a sense of responsibility. This is due to the fact that most of team sports require many obligations, such as arriving at on time, feeling accountable for mistakes, and observing rules. Through the consequences arising from negligent actions, they can learn the importance of obligation. For example, my youngest brother used to be lazy and selfish. He has changed little by little after he enrolled in soccer club. He realized that his laziness could negatively affect teamwork and relationships with other members. Naturally, he became more punctual, played his part well, and even encouraged other members to do their best. This implies that playing sports is able to can develop a sense of responsibility in students.
In brief, some people presume that as for student, focusing on their studying is the most important matter for their future, underrating the value of outdoor exercises. However, I certainly support the idea that playing sports is as much important as studying in term of relieving stress and developing a sense of responsibility, eventually helping them to perform higher in school as well.
문법적으로는 틀린 부분이 거의 없어요. 아주 잘하신 것 같아요. 하지만 에세이의 내용이 topic 에 제대로 focus 되어 있지 않은 것 같아요. 토픽에서는 학교에서 academic matter 에 투자를 하는 것 만큼 athletic department 에도 투자를 해야 하는지에 대해서 물어보고 있는데 글쓴이의 에세이는 전반적으로 학생들의 스트레스를 푸는 데는 운동이 좋다 라고 이야기를 하고 있어요. 내용을 조금 수정해서 학생들의 스트레스를 푸는데 운동이 좋기 떄문에 학교에서 athletic department에 더 투자를 해서 그런 환경을 만들어줘야 한다고 써 주시는 게 좋을 것 같네요.