> > 2013-08-16 18:03:50, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
|
▶ Topic : Television advertising directed toward children under the age of five should not be allowed. | |
|
▶ Your Answer :
| Although some people would think that TV advertising should not be directed toward children under the age of five, I think it is unnecessary to prohibit the such targeted advertisement targeted toward childeren under 5 (앞선 문장에 이미 5세 이하 아동을 타겟으로 하는 광고라고 말씀해주셨기 때문에 간단히 such targeted advertisement라고 표현이 가능합니다.) for two different reasons.
First of all, not all TV advertisments are bad, especially the ones toward for kids under 5 years old. (5 years 는 말 그대로 5년이란 말입니다. 5살을 말할땐 old를 붙여주셔야 합니다.) Usually it shows toys, child meal for children, (명사의 연속적인 배열로 뜻을 표현하는 것은 좋지 않습니다. 알맞은 형용사나 전치사를 이용해 표현해주시는게 좋습니다.) or other things that can make children's life better and happier. People who worry about bad contents of an advertisements are likely to have seen a bad examples of advertisements. Some advertisement that contains sexual images, such as a wonderfully skinny (예를 들어주신 것이기 때문에 such as가 들어가면 좋을것 같습니다.) images of skinny celebrities that lead to an excessive weight lose of women, or some provoking expenses of luxury goods. Those ads share some similar traits that they are targeted to adults, not to children under five.
In addition, some advertisement can help developing children's creativity or curiosity curiousness develop. (curious의 명사형은 curiousity입니다.) For exmple, I remember an advertisement i I saw when I was young. I didn't not (에세이에서 줄임 표현은 안쓰시는게 좋습니다.) even know the concept of advertising at (그때 라는 말을 하고자 하실땐 at that time을 쓰세요) that time, even asking my mother what is those stuffs coming out between of TV programs are. (what으로 시작되는 의문문이 아니라면 동사는 주어 뒤에 와야합니다.) Boringly waiting for cartoons, I found an advertisement about cubic puzzles. It said that children can enhance their IQ and EQ by playing with those puzzles. Although there were no concepts of EQ and IQ to me, I had no concept on IQ or EQ, i I (실질적인 주어는 I 이기 때문에 I를 주어로 쓰는게 좋을것 같습니다.) was enticed by some images of children similar to my age playing happily with funny looking puzzle. I ran into my parents, and begged to buy those puzzles. And now, Now, I believe that those puzzles made my childry childish (childry라는 존재하지 않습니다.)imagination and creativity grow. Like my own experience, we can catch some good products for enfants by ads. These are the reason why I think banning TV ad directed toward children is not essential, and further it can probably produce some good effects to children. As to all aspects of lives, life, appropriate advertisement containing good values can be healthy to children's lives. |
|
|
| |
안녕하세요~ 에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
서론 본론 결론을 잘 나누셨지만 각 부분당 취약한 점이 몇몇 있습니다.
서론의 시작은 좋았지만 문단의 마지막이 조금 아쉽습니다. 주장의 이유를 한번 언급해주셨다면 더 괜찮았을것 같아요 ^^
본론은 예시가 조금 약한 느낌이 듭니다. 너무 캐주얼한 예시라서 그런것 같아요~ 조금 더 무게감 있는 예를 드신다면 더 좋아질것 같습니다~
결론은 These are the reason why I think ~ 라고 시작하시는것 보다 To sum up, 혹은 In conclusion, 과 같은 어구를 사용해 주장을 정리하면서 시작하는것이 좋습니다. 끝맺음은 괜찮았구요 ^^
그 외 문법 오류는 본문에 빨간 글씨로 첨삭해드렸으니 체크해보세요 ^^
수고하셨습니다~ 화이팅하세요!