> > 2013-08-16 18:30:55, '' 님이 쓰신 글입니다. ↓
■ Direction Read the question below. You have 30 minutes to plan, write, and revise your essay. Typically, an effective response will contain a minimum of 300 words. ■ Question Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reason and examples to support your answer | |
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▶ Topic : The government should spend more money expanding access to the internet than improving public transportation. | |
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▶ Your Answer :Some people might argue that the goverment should spend less money on (spend 뒤에 어디에 쓰였는지 말씀하실땐 on을 붙여줘야합니다.) improving public transportaion than expanding access to the Internet. This is because the expansion of the access to the internet can develop the way to people live in an (a, e, i, o, u 앞의 관사는 an이 되어야합니다.) expedient life. However, I strongly believe that the public transportation should be invested more money (invest의 투자하다 라는 의미엔 돈의 개념이 이미 들어있습니다.) than the expansion of the access to the internet for the two reasons : to improve people's work efficiency and to encourage enjoy (일반동사 두개가 나란히 한 문장에 있는것은 올바른 표현이 아닙니다. encourage enjoying 이라고 하셔도 되지만 제 생각엔 enjoy를 생략하시는게 더 좋을것 같습니다.) a better quality of life.
First of all, improving public transportation allow people to (allow는 일반 동사이기에 work를 쓰시려면 동명사나 to부정사의 형태로 와야합니다.) work with more enthusiasm. This is attributed to the fact that the effect of improvement of improving (of의 연속된 사용은 문장을 복잡하게 만들수 있습니다.) public transportation can be one of the key motivators for people to improve themselves and perform better on their tasks. With such motivation, people can more concentrate more (동사를 꾸미는 부사의 위치는 동사 뒤입니다.) and have a deeper sense of resposibility on their work. According to the research conducted by the Seoul National University in 2012, two different groups of employees have a huge difference relate to on the (relate는 일반 동사입니다. 꼭 relate라는 단어를 쓰시고싶다면 related to라고 바꾸어 표현하면 됩니다.) rates of their achievement. achievmennt. (오타 조심하세요) Employees in Group A used new and clean public transportation everyday and those in group B did not. Group A spent 25% more time on working, and performed with higher qualities (performed higher라는 말은 약간 어색한 느낌이 듭니다. 직역해도 높게 수행했다. 라고 되죠?) than Group B. To be specific, group A submitted their tasks on time, and followed their instructions, and participated actively in group meetings. However, group B dozed off in group meetings and ignored their instructions. It is inferred that the improvement of public transportaion can improve enhence (improve라는 단어가 너무 반복적으로 사용된것 같습니다.) the rates of achievement.
In addition, improving public transportation encourages people to enjoy a better quality of life. This is attributed to the fact that it provides people with stress-free life. This is because the stress is one of the key motivators factors (motivator는 긍정적인 단어입니다. stress의 부정적인 면을 부각시키기 위해서는 좋은 표현이 아닙니다.) that weakens (이 동사는 stress에 대한 동사이므로 s가 뒤에 붙어야 합니다.) immune system. and harm to the body. According to the study of Seoul National University, the test on mice showed that when a group of mice are is (주어는 a group입니다. 동사는 is 가 되어야겠죠?) regularly subjected to the electric shocks, their life span was shortened. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this and human beings who suffered from chronic stress. In this respect, the improvment of public transportation can reduce the level of stress and it helps them to enjoy their life.
All in all, I believe that my opinion can not be underestimated in that the two birds can be killed with one stone for the reasons I mentioned above. | |
안녕하세요~ 에세이 잘 읽었습니다 =)
우선 에세이의 서론 본론 결론을 확실히 구분지어 주시는게 좋을것 같습니다.
문단마다 한줄을 더 띄워주시거나 문단이 시작될때 여백을 남겨주시는 방법 등이 있습니다 ^^
서론의 구조는 괜찮았지만 본론에서 개인적으로는 왜 교통의 발전이 실적을 높여주는지 이유를 잘 설명하지 못한것 같습니다. 어떻게, 왜 실적을 높여주는지 설명하셨더라면 더 좋았을것 같아요.
결론은 한 문장으로만 끝내도 될 정도로 간단한 부분이 아닙니다 ㅠㅠ
결론에서는 자신의 주장, 그 이유를 다시한번 강조하고 에세이 전체의 마무리를 담당하는 중요한 부분입니다. 좀더 신경써서 결론을 적어주시는게 더 좋을것 같습니다 ^^
그 외 문법상 오류는 본문에 빨간글씨로 첨삭해드렸습니다~
참고하시고 에세이 점수가 올라갔으면 좋겠습니다 =)
수고하셨어요~ 화이팅하세요!