▶ Your Answer :
All people take conflict as the hardest challenge during their lifetime. When they face these events, most of them hesitate between many options and contemplate among them. However, it is hard for anyone to decide what is beneficial for them to take. Therefore, most people are apt to ask the best choice to their surrounded people. After they get the advices from their friends or parent, they start to think which option is suitable for them. Even though they get advices from their people, it is not always working property. In other words, some people get poor result, but other people successfully obtain their goal. Therefore, we should figure our problem by ourselves. If we accept the advice of other, we should think carefully to make choice. Furthermore, all people should possess insistent willing in order to success. (이 문장까지는 인트로에 필요가 없을 거 같습니다. 와우 인트로에 정말 많은 내용을 넣으셨네요. 하지만 빨리 읽기가 쉽지 않고, 깔끔해 보이지 않으니 인트로의 포맷을 교재를 보고 교 교재 있는 것처럼 간단명료하게 쓰는 연습을 하세요)
People should consider the risk of accepting other’s advice when they are making crucial decisions, because all people are subject to different environments. Therefore, some case may not be working to the other’s position and there has limitation of giving the appropriate advice. For instance, if one person is thinking of studying abroad and he want to study at Korea, so he starts to seek the advice from his friend who has experience on studying abroad. Fortunately, one of his friends had studied in Japan. Therefore, he commences to ask question like “How to communicate with them?” “What is the best way to master that country’s language?” However, the problem is that his friend was studied in Japan, so he just knew about Japanese manner and know-how of studying Japanese. As a result, he could not get any help from his friend. If he tired to adapt the method that his friend told him, it would not work properly in Korea due to dissimilarity of tradition in country. (문장의 내용도 좋고 예제도 좋지만, 문장을 조금만 더 짧고 간결하게 쓰시면 아주 좋을 거 같네요. 전체적인 내용이 좋지만, 앞부분을 줄이고 마지막에 이 예제가 보여주는 깊은 뜻을 더 자세히 보여주시면 될 거 같습니다.)
We should have unshaken willing (일반적으로 안쓰는 표현이네요. 시적인 표현같에요 ㅎㅎ) even if we encounter disagreement 가 더 맞는 표현 같아요). People with constant mind would have high possibility to achieve their goal. They typically do not care what people say and carry on what they decide to do. Steve Jobs is one of the greatest representatives. He absolutely did’nt care about the thing he hated and just constantly judge or persist what he like to do. He especially liked to attend the calligraphy class when he was in college even thought his major was computer science. Later on, the font of Mac series was tremendously popular among the people. If Steve Jobs did not attend calligraphy class, he could not attain his calligraphy ability. (이번에도 내용이랑 예제가 좋지만 마지막 부분의 설명을 더 길게 하면서 main argument 와 이어주면 더 좋을 거 같아요. 또한 예제의 설명을 조금만 더 줄이면 더 효과적 일거 같아요)
Making decision is a crucial part of our live, and it could have unimaginable impact on our future lives. If we make our decision haphazardly, it would bring bad consequence. Therefore, we should carefully make a choice, and people need to possess the unshakable willing, so that we could make one step further to our dream. (컨클루젼의 전체적 내용도 좋고 요약도 잘 하셨지만 opposite side의 argument 를 mention 하고 이것을 반박하면 더 좋을 거 같아요. 또한 에세이의 문제와 연결을 더 하셔야 할거 같아요.)
(존경스러운 훈제연어님 format 좀 배낄께요)
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
22
è 주장에 대한 근거 자체와 설명은 좋고
è 그 근거가 main idea 와 연결이 되나
è 문장의 연결이 조금 부자연스럽다
è Conclusion 에도 opposite side 가 펼칠 argument 에 대해 mention 하지 않았다.,
è 영어문법은 사소한 문제 빼고는 크게 주의하실 건 없으며
è 그래도 더 자연스럽고 강한 argument 를 펼치려면 문장의 연결을 주의하면서 sentence structure 다양성을 높이세요.
è 문장의 길이를 줄여서 더 간결하게 말하시면 아주 좋을 거 같습니다.
è 에세이를 쓰고 꼭 여러 번 다시 읽어보시기 바랍니다
è 가능성이 아주 높습니다. 점수 금방 오르실 겁니다^^
수고 많으셨습니다^^ 꼭 110넘기세요! 파이팅!
고객님 이었습니다 :)
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