It is better to have friends who are similar to you than those who are different from you.
It is quite clear that making friends is are crucial these days. A lot of people, especially middle school and high school students, get along with their peers for a long time. Friends are not only sometimes become teachers and adivisors to you at times, but also ones who they give a huge impact on you he/she. In this regard, I personally think that keeping friends who are similar to you is better (?) me is great, but I sometimes try to be friends with others who have different characteristics to mine, and I have two examples to support my idea. (그래서 결론적으로 주장이 무엇인가요? 비슷한 성향을 가진 친구를 사귀는 것이 더 좋다고 생각하시나요, 다른 성향의 친구를 만나는 것이 더 좋다고 생각하시나요?? 이 문장에서는 주장이 무엇인지 명확하게 나와있지 않습니다. 이렇게 되면 좋은 점수를 절대 받으실 수 없어요. thesis statement를 명확하게 나타내주시는 것이 가장 중요하다는 거 명심하세요~!)
(다시 읽어보니 아마도 being friends with those who are different from you가 더 낫다고 주장하시는 것 같네요. 하지만 써주신 내용은 '나는 가끔은 나와 다른 애들과도 친구가 되려한다~'이기 때문에 위의 주장이라고 보여지지 않아요. 이렇게 thesis statement가 오해의 소지가 있거나 이해가 안 갈 것 같다면 차라리 문제에서 주어진 문장을 그대로 가져다 쓰시는 것이 더 좋습니다. 에세이에서 한 번 쯤은 문장을 그대로 쓰셔도 상관없습니다~)
To start with, having friends who are different from me is better because those friends can fix my shortcomings.
When I was in elementery school, I had a trouble with a friend who was totally different from me. Her The way of thinking and acting was not acceptable to my mind from my side. However, instead of thinking of her bad side, I tried to learn from her by only thinking of her good side. Few days later, I found out that she was good at stating her own opinion although she was a not an attentive listener. At that time, I was a having a trouble of speaking in front of the audience,(s) but I was a good listener. I tried to be like her and copied her act. Eventually, I became a good speaker thanks to her.
Another example is my cousin. (본문 문단은 예시로 시작해주시지 말고 이유로 시작해주세요. 주장 (나와 다른 친구를 사귀는 것이 좋다)에 대한 두 번째 이유를 말씀해주시고, 그에 대한 설명과 예시를 해주시길 바래요!) Before he was an elementary student, he was selfish. He did not listen to others words rather than his own. However, as the time past by and he became a high school student, he became close to with people with various characteristics and opinions. N(n)ow he embraces other's opinion and try to listen to others. In other words, keeping touch with people who are quite different from him helped him to widen his perspective prospective (단어 혼동하지 말아주세요~!) and widen his horizon.
To sum up, I do believe that it is better to have friends who are different from me because it can become a means of changing my behavior and helping me to broaden my perspective prospective.
Essay 0-30 score scale
Limited (12~15)
총평:
1. 위에서 말씀드린 것 처럼 인트로에서 자신의 주장을 잘 나타내주시는 것은 정말 중요합니다. 채점관이 꼼꼼하게 글을 읽는 것이 아니라 훑고 지나가면서 읽기 때문에 명확하게 주장이 나와있지 않으면 평가에 불리해요. 결론 부분에서는 잘 써주셨는데, 서론에서도 이와 같이 써주시면 좋을 것 같아요~
2. 또한, 본문은 절대 예시로 시작하지 말아주세요. 에세이를 꼭 한 가지 형식에 맞춰 쓸 필요는 없지만 좀 더 깔끔하고 정리되게 쓰기 위해선 본문에서는 topic sentence (주장에 대한 이유)- 부연설명- 예시 순으로 써주시길 바랍니다 ^^
3. 문법 오류 및 단어 오류가 조금 많은 편입니다. 체크해드린 부분 확인하시고 고쳐주세요~! 다음부터는 같은 실수는 하지 않게 꼼꼼하게 검토하시길 바랍니다.
수고많으셨습니다 :)