Being a leader is better than being a follower.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people may argue that being a leader is better than being a follower while others may not. The opinion to this argument can vary greatly depending on individuals’ perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out. As far as I am concerned, I am in complete disagreement with the statement for the reasons as follows.
First of all, being a leader requires taking huge responsibility for results. This is due to the fact that in most cases, a leader plays a significant role in making important decisions. This could lead to getting significant amount of stress because a leader is the one who assumes great amount of responsibility and takes risks. 리더에게 결과에 대한 책임이 막중해서->스트레스나 부담감이 크다는 점이 더 결정적인 단점이 아닐까 싶습니다. <리더의 막중한 책임에 따른 부담감과 스트레스가 크기 때문에 리더가 항상 좋은 것은 아니다>하는 식의 표현으로 논점을 더 강조할 수 있지요. 리더가 대부분의 결정을 내리기 때문에 그에 따른 책임이 크다는 fact에 대한 진술보다는 내가 생각하는 being a leader의 단점을 살려주는 편이 설득력을 높이기에 더 좋습니다. The prime example to illustrate this point is the suicide of Kim who was an executive in a major company in Korea in 2010. According to the news report, it is revealed that he suffered from serious depression caused by the failure of a the project he was in charge of. The failure of the a project had a negative impact on the stock of the company, and he felt guilty badly and made a tragic decision. This case clearly proves how stressful and responsible a leader position is. As seen in this case, the position as a leader might be considered as a stressful duty because of the characteristic of its position. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Furthermore, it is more difficult to perform as a leader because there are a lot of qualifications required for a leader. To be specific, a leader should sometimes be decisive and charismatic to console the many staffs who have different kinds of working patterns as well as but also be knowledgeable of various kinds of fields to grasp general process. In this regard, for the people who do not want to take difficult jobs, it might not be appropriate to decide to be a leader. To take my personal story for example, I once became a leader of a team project in college. At that time, I had many kinds of adversities to advance the project. I had to be a mediator between friends and persuader to convince many teammates. After I finished the project, I found it very difficult to be a leader and made up my mind not being a leader ever again. Like this, being a leader is hard and this might not be appropriate for the people who do not have willingness to conquer adversities as a leader. 리더가 꼭 좋은 것만은 아니라는 뉘앙스보다는 리더가 되는 것이 어렵다는 뉘앙스에 더 가까운 것 같아요. 갖춰야 할 능력이 많고 어려운 자리라는 설명은 곧 [능력있는 사람이 리더가 되어야 한다]라는 흐름으로 이해되기 쉽지요. 리더의 자질보다는 리더로서 갖게 되는 고충들에 대해 더 생각해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
It is often said that people prefer being a leader since there are a lot of rewards such as honor or financial benefits which one cannot get by being just a follower. However, there are difficulties as much as rewards as a leader. Being a leader demands to be responsible and it is difficult. In conclusion, I am convinced that it is better to be a follower than a leader on account of two reasons mentioned above.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
두 idea들이 틀린 것은 아니지만, 다소 설득력이 약하다는 느낌이 듭니다. 리더에게는 당연히 그 역할에 맞는 많은 자질들이 요구되고 그것을 갖추는 것은 쉽지 않지요. 일반적인 진술에 가까운 흐름보다는 나의 '주장'이 잘 살 수 있는 idea들을 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. 리더가 되는 것보다 follower가 되는 것이 낫다는 것이 기본적인 글의 요지이므로 꼭 리더의 안 좋은 점만 생각하기보다는 follower의 좋은 점에 대해 생각해보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. 다소 어려울 수 있는 문제이지만 여러 방향으로 생각해보시면 대마왕님은 분명히 좋은 흐름의 글로 improve하실 수 있을 거예요! improve된 글도 기대하겠습니다^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!