When it comes to games, some people argue that people cannot learn anything about life while they play games. However, I definitely believe that it is evident that playing a game is very beneficial as to giving precious lessons about life. This is because not only this helps people to improve social skills and social networks through playing games, but also because people have a great opportunity to promote their ability to solve the various problems creatively and originally in life as well as have the sense of fulfillment. (good 하지만 너무 정형화 되어 있습니다. when it comes.. 나 I definitely believe..같은 구문 물론 정돈 되어 보이고 좋습니다. 하지만 좀 더 broad하게 시작하고 unique? 한 구문도 연습해 주세요)
First of all, it is ideal to perform a game online or offline because people can increase their social skills and social relationships. ( very good point) This is due to the fact that most games include group activities such as soccer, basketball and football game that require considerable collective efforts and coordination. One of the best examples is a soccer game. When people play a soccer game, they should participate in the activity in groups and have the chance to learn how to work as a team and collaborate. They cheer for their team members, pass the ball through an opening and strive together for the common goal of leading the game to a victory, one that a single person cannot achieve. This clearly shows that people are able to interact with other people and build the social networks that are conducive to life while playing a game.
Secondly, people are better able to magnify their creative ability to unravel the problems generated in any aspects of the life when playing a game. This is mainly because they have to confront the difficult situation playing a game and overcome the problems in the original way. Thus, this leads to the greater sense of achievement for themselves and has a significant positive influence on the life. To illustrate this point, my elder brother had difficulty attending the school every day because of the very low grades of the academic performance. However, he was able to overcome this matter completely thanks to his games. That is, he began to play the online game for an hour every day regularly and learn how to solve the difficult matters. This gave him the good capability to deal with the academic problem as well, especially the math problem and he had an immense confidence with the higher academic results. If it had not been for the games, he would not have been able to become confident at that time and accomplish his dream as a prominent math professor today. As this reveals, it is a great idea to play a game since it is the best method to develop their potentials and actualize their dreams.
( body 부분 좋습니다. 예시 후 예시를 좀더 포괄할 수 있는 문장으로 sum-up해 주는 연습 필요합니다)
To summarize, people often need to play a game to get the valuable wisdom necessary in life because this is very helpful for boosting their social skills as well as raising their problem-solving ability and the sense of accomplishment required for their future success. ( conclusion 이 너무 짧습니다.인트로에서 말햇던 부분을 점차 좁혀 나가고 바디 부분의 포인트를 좀 더 다른 형태문장으로 찝어 주세요 )
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - good (23-25)
좋습니다. ! 전반적으로.
하지만 intro 와 conclusion 부분 좀 더 broad하게 시작해 주시고 마무리 해주세요..
좀 더 detail 로 support해주시구요..
전체적으로 body 의 예시는 적절 합니다.