it is more effective to learn something doing it than learn something reading books
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
body1 문단 합쳐주세요
First of all, various experiences could broaden someone’s perspective. This is largely because people of value people's value is influenced has a influence by what they have been done in person according to 쉼표삭제 the point of view in the field of education. Experimental Learning Theory which states that people learn easily from their experiences than reading or studying something. As the proverb says seeing is believing, first-hand experience affects what they are thinking and how they are feeling. 논점이 맞지 않습니다. 논제가 묻는 내용은 책을 통해 배우는 것보다 경험을 통해 배우는 것이 '더 효과적인지'를 묻고 있는데, 현재 설명 흐름에서는 경험을 통해 배우면 가치관이 형성된다는 전혀 다른 답변을 제시하고 있습니다. 주장 자체는 경험을 통해 배우면 시야도 넓힐 수 있으므로 더 효과적이라는 연결이 가능하지만, 설명 과정에서 논점이 어긋나지 않도록 주의가 필요합니다. '왜' 경험을 통해 배우는 것이 더 효과적인지를 설명하는 답변이 필요합니다. From my experience, I used to be judge people by their scores in school, when I was in high school, because elitism has spread out through the whole country. However, my point of view changed by going on a trip to America from scores to talent which others have. have gotten. Surprisingly, every foreign friend I met in the U.S did not care about how high much the grades they get in class. Rather they focused on what they want to do in the future and which talents they got, so I figured out there are much more important things than studying through the life. While reading from books did not inspire me to convert the way of thinking others, only meeting them in person had has an effect on me. In this aspect, doing by oneself is better way to broaden someone’s perspective.
body2 문단 합쳐주세요
Moreover, first-hand experience might be proper for having a relationship. 완전히 논점을 벗어난 답변은 아니지만, "배움의 방식에 있어서" 책을 통한 배움보다 경험을 통한 배움이 더 효과적인 이유를 묻는 질문이라고 이해하는 편이 더 적절합니다. body3에서 "더 오래 기억에 남으니까 효과적으로 배운다"라는 주장을 제시한 것처럼, 좀 더 논제 내용에 부합하는 답변을 만들어보셔도 좋을 것 같아요. An important reason is that people have empathy with to someone who has similar experience, so the more experience they get got, the more possibility to understand others they have. In addition, people can apply their ability for of empathy into their relationship by sharing their experience and putting themselves in other’s shoes. 직접 겪어서 배우는 것이 아니라 경험을 쌓아서 다른 이들과 공유함으로써 배울 수 있는 점에 대해 논하고 있으므로 논점이 맞지 않습니다. For example, the emotion from giving birth cannot be understood easily by reading or listening. Like the Korean saying, daughters only can be grownups grown ups, after giving birth and raising their own child, without doing in person, it is difficult to have an empathy of for nursing and parenting as a mother. 문단 전체의 일관성이 떨어집니다. 하나의 idea로 문단을 구성할 수 있게끔 수정해주세요. 현재 사례 내용에서처럼 경험을 해야만 배울 수 있는 것들이 있다는 논지를 잘 다듬어서 논제에 맞게 활용해보는 것도 좋을 것 같아요.
body3 문단 합쳐주세요
Lastly, experience by oneself is more memorable and long lasting. 기억이 더 오래 간다는 점은 'effective learning'과 연결되므로 적절한 답변이 될 수 있습니다. This is due to the fact that A book only describes with words, numbers and pictures, so sometimes it bores us. On the contrary, learning in person allows us to do our own hands. Hence, the memory of special experience stored with our emotion and thought makes us remember it longer.
For instance, I can still illustrate the memory in time when I tried to learn how to ride a bike in for the first time of my entire life. In my memory, the weather was shining, and it was afternoon about 2 o’clock in early spring, my father offered me that if I learn the way to ride a bike, he would buy a bike as a gift, so I asked my friend to teach me riding, and she accepted in did me a favor. Also, I can recall my feelings that I felt sorry and thank at the same time because I scratched her bike a lot due to practicing and falling down, and thanks to her, I was able to ride a bike before the end of the day. This story makes me believe that experiencing is far longer memory than any other second-hand experiences such as reading a book. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I definitely agree with the statement that learning in person is more efficient way than reading books. The reason is that first-hand experience could broaden someone’s perspective, be good for relationship, and be more memorable.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–18)
문법오류가 많아 내용 전달력이 떨어집니다. 수일치, 품사 활용, 태 등에 유의해서 작문해주세요. 불필요하게 문장이 긴 부분들이 많으니 내용 단위로 끊어서 '정돈된' 글이라는 인상을 줄 수 있게끔 해주세요.
논제 내용을 정확하게 파악하고 있다는 점을 드러내는 편이 좋습니다. 현재 문제는 단순히 직접경험과 간접경험의 장단점을 비교하는 문제가 아니라 어떤 것이 '더 효과적인 학습방식인지'를 묻는 내용이라 파악하는 편이 적절합니다. 본문의 idea가 논제에 대한 적절한 답변이 되는지, 문단 내의 일관성이 잘 유지되고 있는지를 중점적으로 검토해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!