Professional athletes do not deserve to the high salaries that they are paid.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people think that professional atehlets should not be paid high salaries. This is because other people may feel discouraged, so the overall productivity of society can be lower. However, I strongly believe that professional atheltes have to be paid high salaries for two reasons: quality of life and economy.
First of all, professional athletes' being paid high salaries allows people to enjoy a better quality of life. This is attributed to the fact that it can boost leisure activities, which expands channles of communication and it helps reliving stress, while professional athletes' not being paid high salaries can stress people out by pushing them to feel bored. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors that weaken the immune system and causes harm to the body. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2009, a test on mice showed that when they were regulary subjected to electric shocks, their life span was shortened. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this and human beings who suffered from chronic stress. It can be inferred that professional's being paid lowering professional athletes' normal salaries that peole being paid can lead to high stress levels, and this can reduce a person's longevity. 직접적으로 운동선수들이 높은 연봉을 받지 않는다고 해서 많은 사람들이 스트레스를 받는 것은 아니기 때문에 설득력이 떨어집니다. 선수들에게 돈을 많이 주지 않는다고 스포츠 산업이 갑자기 비활성화되는 것도 아니고요. 또한 논제가 묻는 내용은 '스포츠 선수들이 많은 봉급을 받을 자격이 있나/없다'를 묻고 있으므로 deserve하다는 입장이라면 '이러이러하니까 deserve하다'라는 연결이 가능해야 합니다. 논리적 비약이 생기지 않도록 유의해서 논점에 맞는 idea로 문단 재구성해주세요.
In addition, professional athlete's being paid high salaries play has a significant role in promoting economic growth. This is due to the fact that with the high salaries of professional athletes, many new sports related businesses took place and formed massive conglomerates. This trend has been creating millions of job openings, leading to economic growth. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 1998, after professional's being paid setting high salaries for professional athletes, in the early 1970's, the number of job positions had increased by geometric progression. The study showed that the new rise of middle class allowed people to spend more, which boosted Korea's economy. It can be inferred that professional's professional players' being paid high salaries has significantly acted the overall economic growth. 운동선수가 연봉을 많이 받는 것과 스포츠산업이 활성화되는 것 역시 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 재구성해주세요. 운동선수가 돈을 많이 받아서 경제가 발전하는 것이 아니라, 운동선수가 창출해내는 경제적 이익이 크기 때문에 그 댓가로 큰 연봉을 받는 것이 deserve하다는 흐름으로 수정해보는 것도 좋겠습니다.
To sum up, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, i believe this trend will probably continue for the next generation.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
논제가 묻는 내용에 정확히 답할 수 있도록 idea를 구상해주세요. 단순히 모델에세이에서 키워드만 바꾸는 식으로 응용할 경우 논점이 어긋날 가능성이 커집니다. 논제가 묻는 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 적절한 내용의 답변이 될 수 있도록 improve해주시기 바랍니다. 다른 분들이 쓰신 글을 참고하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!