Life today is easier and more comfortable than it was when your grandparents were children.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
The world has changed dramatically since the 20th century, and that change shows no sign of slowing down. What used to be only in people's imagination thirty years back is now occurring people's lives. intro한문단으로합쳐주세요 Despite those changes, some argue that people nowadays live worse lives than when our grandparents were children, given that people do not enjoy the same level of moral and psychological aspect of happiness. However, I disagree with this idea because people living 21th century enjoy better technology and better provision of food. 주제와 나의 입장을 간결하게 잘 소개한 서론입니다.
To begin with, people nowadays are provided with various kinds of technology that enriches their lives. Since the industrial revolution, the world has seen great changes in almost every sector sectors of the world. Transportation has been made faster and easier, computers do a lot of what used to be done by human's hand, the world is better so connected that it is considered normal to go to other countries without having much trouble. Even though our grandparents' lives saw certain level of changes as well, they did not enjoy as much of technologies as people nowadays do. 다양한 기술이 발명되었다는 점을 지적한 것은 아주 좋습니다. 이 부분에서 결과적으로 그래서 현대인의 삶이 어떻게 되었다는 것인지 정리해주는 문장으로 전달력을 높여줄 수 있습니다. 컴퓨터, 교통 통신 등의 발전만을 열거할 것이 아니라 이러한 기술발전 덕분에 '더 편리하다'거나 '더 효율적인 삶을 산다'는 등의 직접적인 장점을 언급해서 설득력을 높여주세요. To be specific, smart phone is one of the must have gadgets today, due to all kinds of convenience it offers to us. We can check minute based news at our finger tips, baking transaction is done using smart phones, making friends with people half way around the world using chatting site and we can utilize tons of conveniences like dictionaries installed in smart phones. Can you imagine those that can be done at our finger tips used to be done all separately in person when our grandparents were children? 의문형(~?)이나 청유형(let's~)문장은 구어체에 가까운 표현이므로 논설문 형식에서 가급적 사용하지 않는 것이 좋습니다. 비슷한 맥락에서 So, But으로 시작하는 구어적 표현보다는 Therefore, However, Hence 등 가능한 문어체 표현을 써 주거나 꼭 필요하지 않은 경우 생략하는 것이 좋습니다. These inconveniences made their lives not only ineffective but also very uncomfortable. 스마트폰의 예는 아주 적절합니다. 이처럼 직접적으로 더 편리하고 시간을 절약해준다는 장점을 언급했듯이 주장의 설명 부분에서도 장점을 강조하면서 논지를 이어나가는 것이 더 좋아요.
On top of that, as the world is becoming more and more globalized and systematical, every day concern of what we are going to eat is easier than ever. Brazil has good environment for growing coffee, Korea produces a lot of apples and U.S.A is biggest country In terms of corn production. Before, people thought of consuming what is native to that country as normal and they just were satisfied with it. However, since the transporting goods between countries has been made easier, more countries have treaties signed and food production has increased because of advanced technology, we now enjoy more variety of food at a cheaper cost. 운송기술의 발달과 국가간의 교류 증진으로 더 저렴한 가격에 다양한 음식을 먹을 수 있게 되었다는 장점을 appeal한 점이 아주 좋습니다. 이 부분에서 다양한 음식을 먹으면 이래서 좋다, 하는 식의 뒷받침논거를 한 문장 정도 보완하는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when my grandparents buy bananas, he always says the cost of banana used to be five times that of today's. This is because of the fact that at that time, the cost of transportation was far more expensive than today is. Considering food is one of the core aspect of people's lives, it is obvious that people today enjoy better kind of lives than before. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 논지를 강화하면서 마무리한 마지막 부분도 아주 좋습니다.
To conclude, there's no doubt that people today live better lives than before. This is mainly because they are provided with better technology which makes their lives much easier and effective and human's major concern like food problem is dealt with easier and more conveniently than ever before.
여섯가지 항목의 채점 기준에서 살펴본다면 전반적으로 논리적 흐름이나 적절한 사례 사용 면에서 잘 쓴 글이라고 할 수 있습니다. 충분히 fair-good level대 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 주장이 강조될 수 있도록 '장점'을 살려서 보여주는 설명단계가 되도록 다듬어주세요. 코멘트 참고하셔서 전체적으로 한번 더 글을 보완하는 것도 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법오류가 종종 있으니 마지막에 문법오류 체크할 수 있는 시간 여유 남길 수 있도록 시간조절하면서 다양한 주제로 연습해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
Fair (17–23)
Limited (1–16)