▶ Your Answer : Some people believe that extended family no longer serves its importance, given that the cost of living is getting higher and higher. However, I do not agree with this view because we can actually learn a lot from other people in the family on social skill in terms of social skills and life lessons.
Introduction paragraph가 요구하는 요소들을 모두 다 잘 써주셨어요. 서두에서 본론으로 이어지는 부분이 자연스러워서 좋네요. Introduction paragraph에서 가장 중요한 부분은 thesis statement 인데요, thesis statement에는 주제와 주장, 그리고 근거들을 다 나열해주셔야 합니다. 깔끔하고 명확하게 잘 써주셨습니다~
To start with, living in a big family allows people to learn the importance of relationship with others. Extended family is comprised of many people with different personality, characteristic, and attitude, therefore, one might be exposed to environtment in which he/she he or she has to learn to cope with problems resulted from those such distintions, which is highly an important part of surviving in the society. This is mainly because the configuration and compositon of society is just a bigger version of a family. Studies have shown that those who were brought up in extended family have higher tendancy of fitting well in the society than those otherwise who weren't, which is mainly because they do have less conflict with other people to begin with. In this regard, I believe extended family still plays an important role in person's life considering how it can help one to smooth transition into the society.
제시해주신 근거도 적절하고 부연 설명도 충분히 잘 해주셨어요. 연구 결과를 써주신 것도 글의 신빙성과 설득력을 더 높여서 좋은 것 같습니다. 연구 결과에 대한 언급은 짧지만, 부연 설명을 아주 잘 해주셔서 이해하기 쉬운 것 같네요~ 하나 덧붙이자면, 좀 더 구체적으로 extended family 내에서 어떤 confict를 마주하게 되고, 또 어떻게 해결할 수 있는지에 대해 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같아요~
On top of that, extended family can also be an imperative source of maryad know-hows and knowledge.
As much as people are different in their personality As people have different personalities, they are also highly disparate in terms of kinds of experience and wisdom. This is especially true with older people: the older they are, the more likely that they have learned more lessons from a wide range of incidences experiences. In this regard, one can accumulate an array of valuable information and lessons. For example, I learned save saved a lot of time by not having to make making mistake. When I was about to purchase my first car, I was torn between SUV vs small compact car. Consequently, I decided to take my uncle's advise advice for it, which he told me to buy a compact car because I would not be able to afford all the cost associated with owning a gigantic SUV, for that bigger cars take more gas and maintence cost is also higher, which I hadn't thought from that angle. I would have definately regreted if I had gone with SUV because I was already busy working part time job for paying tuition for school. As we can see from this experience, living with many people in the house can help us with directions in our lives.
Body paragraph의 구조가 아주 탄탄히 잘 짜여있네요. 처음에 주제 소개부터 예시 소개까지 아주 매끄럽게 잘 이어집니다. 또, 자신의 경험을 토대로 한 것이라 더 설득력 있네요. 마지막 부분에 예시에 대해서 설명만 할 것이 아니라 어떻게 주제와 직접적으로 이어지는지에 대해 설명을 덧붙여주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다~
All in all, even if the society sometimes compel us to live apart from other family members, I believe extended family still means a lot to us because they not only help us in the right direction in our life but also they can put us in the better position in the society.
Conclusion paragraph에서 전체적인 내용을 아주 잘 요약해주셨습니다. 같은 내용을 다른 말로 잘 표현해주셨네요~ 지적할 부분이 없습니다~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
전체적으로 아이디어도 좋고 부연 설명도 좋습니다. 글의 구조도 잘 잡혀있는 것 같아 이해하기가 쉬웠습니다. 영어 표혀이과 토플 라이팅 구조에 아주 익숙하신 것 같아요~ 다만, 너무 많은 고급 어휘를 사용하려고 노력하지 않으셔도 되요, 그러면 어색한 영어 표현을 줄일 수 있답니다~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4.75/5 -> 29/30
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