Letting a friend make a mistake is better than taking action that risks destroying a friendship.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
As there is a famous saying that when you have three real friends, you have succeeded succeed in your life, friends are one of the most important factors in one's life. Some people think that if you are a true friend, it is right to prevent your friend from making mistakes although it might destroy the friendship. However, it is better to let a friend make a mistake rather than to take action to prevent it.
To begin with, your friend can learn from that mistake. If a person makes a mistake and realizes that they should not repeat the mistake again, it is worth making it. There are much more possibilities possibility that people one will never make the same mistake when they have done, than just hearing advice from others. 친구가 실수하도록 둠으로써 오히려 친구에게 좋은 교훈을 줄 수 있다는 idea나 설명이 적절합니다. 단순히 사람들은 한 번 실수하면 다시 반복하지 않는다는 설명에서 끝내기보다 논제와의 관련성을 높여줄 수 있도록 논제의 키워드를 사용해서 보완해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. ex)'친구'도 마찬가지로 실수를 그대로 해봄으로써 좋은 교훈을 얻을 수 있으니 억지로 개입하기보다는 그냥 두는 편이 더 좋다. For instance, my friend Bob went on a job interview last month. Since he was very proud of himself, he thought he would pass the interview with no difficulty. However, in my point of view, he had to work very hard in order for him to pass since there were other competitive applicants who applied for that interview. As I thought, Bob failed on that interview since he did not prepare anything for the interview. The important thing is that because of this mistake, Bob never goes go to interviews without preparing. From his mistake he learned that even though he is very competent for the job, he has to prepare for it. 주장을 뒷받침하기에 알맞은 내용의 사례입니다. 이러한 사례가 주장과 관련해서 어떤 점을 보여주는지 해석하는 문장을 덧붙여서 문단 마무리지어주세요. 단순히 관련 사례를 제시하기만 하고 마무리하는 것보다 '이처럼 정말로 내 주장이 맞다'는 식으로 논지를 한 번 더 강조하며 문단을 마무리짓는 편이 설득력과 전달력을 높이는 데 도움이 됩니다.
Moreover, there is no guarantee that your friend will listen to you but ruin the friendship. According to one article about psychology experiment, people tend to get more heart-broken when they receive he receives harsh advice from close people. This is because they have he has a strong belief in their his heart that their his friend is always on their his side. However, since this faith has broken, people feel he feels more pain. With this pain, the relationship can broke into irrevocable way. In addition to this, the friend might not listen to the advice since he would not want to believe that he is wrong. 실수를 막기 위해 개입해봤자 소용없는 경우가 더 많다는 설명은 적절합니다. 그러나 믿음이 깨지고 상처받는다는 내용 자체는 '친구의 조언이 소용없다'라는 점을 보여주지 못하므로 주변의 조언을 따르지 않는 경우가 더 많다는 article을 읽었다, 하는 식으로 먼저 운을 떼는 편이 일관성을 살리는 데 더 좋을 것 같아요. idea자체는 적절하니 친구의 행동에 개입하는 것이 실수를 막는 데는 전혀 도움이 되지 않고 관계에만 악영향을 미치므로 무의미하다는 주장을 더 appeal할 수 있게끔 설명 흐름을 다듬어주세요. To be specific, my brother Mark has a friend named Max. They two were best friends since elementary school. One day when those two were talking taking about what they were going to major in in the future, Mark said to Max that Max should never major in Mathematics since he is not very good at thinking in mathematical ways. Well this It was true that Max was terrible in Math. But, Max did not accept this. Since he loved math, he decided to major in Math which was the biggest mistake in his life. Even though Mark gave that advice for good intentons aim, Max did not listen listened to Mark and to make things worse, their relationship got broken and they have never met contact each other since then. 마찬가지로 사례 내용이 주장과 관련해 갖는 함의가 무엇인지 설명하는 부분이 필요합니다.
Since there is a possibility that a the friend might not accept the advice and the tendency to learn more from the mistakes, it is better to let the friend to make a mistake rather than taking actions which are risky.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (22–25)
논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 기본적인 idea의 방향들이 적절합니다. 내용을 설명으로 풀어내는 과정에서 흐름이 어색한 부분이나 사례 내용이 주장과 갖는 관련성을 더 명확하게 드러내야 하는 부분들을 중심적으로 improve해주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!