Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Friends are the most important influence on young adults. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people believe that friends have are the most dominant influence on teenagers. However, in my opinion, family is the a superior factor influencing young adults. Moreover, relationship between friends nowadays is getting shallow than any before.
To begin with, family is a group which people mostly spends their precious time with. together. To be specific, chatting about daily life and sharing feelings are the important factors for young adults because they are not mature enough yet and family can manage all of these activities. The Adolescents can get an advice from fully experienced parents that will be useful in their lives while friends cannot suggest those essential advice. advices. *advice는 불가산명사입니다 From my personal experience, I usually used to consume time with family and my family gave me millions of advice advices and lessons that friends could not give me and those advices really helped me to achieve my goal. Family is the most familiar association for adolescents to share all of their feelings or get useful advice and therefore, family is takes the most essential part in influencing young adults. 문단의 중심내용을 명확히 잡아주세요. 소중한 시간을 가족들과 함께 보내기 때문에 친구보다 영향력이 더 크다는 것인지, 좋은 조언을 구할 수 있어서 영향력이 더 크다는 것인지가 애매하지요. 어떤 점에서 가족이 young adults에게 더 큰 영향을 미치는지를 제시할 수 있게끔 main idea를 잘 정리해보시면 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that, in this contemporary society, the meaning or signification of ‘friend’ is becoming weaker. With the advent of computer and television, a countless number of teenagers do not hang up with their friends while but spend time playing with electrical devices alone at home. Therefore, relationship between friends easily gets shallow and they do not exert an influence very much for each other. 10대들이 서로 어울리기보다 혼자 갖는 시간들이 더 커짐에 따라 친구들의 영향력이 줄어들었다는 논리 흐름이 좋습니다. 배경 설명이나 '영향력'으로 연결고리를 이어준 부분도 적절합니다. For instance, I used to consume my time with my friends at a playground often when I was a little kid but it is obviously hard to see the sights like that these days. Mass media flash flashes out the problem of teenagers spending time with their smart phones and not hanging out outside with friends. As the example shows, teenagers nowadays do not attempt to consume their time together with friends, which means there is are no more interaction or correlation between friends. 이 부분에서도 논제가 묻는 'influence'까지 연결되는 부분을 보완해서 coherence를 강화해주세요.
In conclusion, I strongly disagree with the statement that friends rriends are the most important influence on young adults.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
body1의 경우: 친구보다는 가족들이 더 영향력이 크다는 점을 제시하는 것은 좋지만 가족들이 '어떤 면에서' 더 큰 영향력을 지니는지를 명확히 보여주는 것이 좋습니다. body2의 경우: 오늘날 친구관계가 약회되는 사회적 분위기를 지적하고 그로 인해 친구들의 영향력이 줄어들게 된다는 흐름을 보여준 부분이 좋습니다. 논제의 키워드와 연결되는 마무리를 보완해서 논제에 대한 답변이 되도록 보완하는 부분만 체크해보시면 될 것 같아요. 첨삭이 해를 넘겨버렸네요ㅜㅜ 새해 복 많이 받으세요^^ 화이팅!