It is better to spend time with one or two close friends than with a large number of friends.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Most people think that meeting many friends at once is better than meeting just a few. They mistakenly beleieve that, due to time constraints, it is better to try and meet all their friends at one time. However, in my opinion, I think the quality of the friendships is more important than their quanity. When one has the time to spend with friends, it is better to spend time it with just a few instead of with a large group since one can cultivate more profound relationships and have more intimate conversations.
First of all, when going out with a small number of people, it is easier to deepen connections with them because you can spend a significant amont of time with each person. A certain amount of time spent together, interacting with each other, is needed to build true intimacy between friends. 기본적인 idea와 설명 방향은 적절합니다. 다만 문단의 핵심 내용을 전달하는 첫 문장이 장황하고 설명 내용이 부족하다는 인상을 줄 수 있습니다. 문단의 main idea를 전달하는 첫 문장은 더 간결하게 다듬어주시고, 그에 대한 설명 내용을 구체화해서 '그러니까 적은 수의 친구들과 만나는 것이 더 좋다'라는 나의 입장으로 연결되게끔 정리해주세요. main idea1문장, 그에 대한 설명 2-4문장 정도의 구성으로 [단계적 구성]이 드러나게끔 조직하는 편이 유리합니다. Take my experiences, my best friend John and I did not think we had a lot in common when we first hung around in a large group of friends, because we did not have enough chances to talk to each other. However, when we joined the same small basketball club, we got to know each other better. The more time we spent sharing our experiences, the stronger our friend relationship became over time. Although I did not make a lot of other new friends during that time, I had found a close friend for life. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다.
Also, when people hang out with only a few friends, the content of the conversations can be much more personal. This is because when we have large groups, we often talk with unfamiliar others. People tend to feel more comfortable in a small group which consists of few familiar people, so they can have more private conversations concerning their personal lives, not wasting time on small talk and other trivialities. 소규모로 만나면 사적인 이야기를 할 수 있다는 진술에서 더 내용을 발전시켜서 '이래서 좋다'하는 점이 잘 드러나는 idea를 보여주면 좋을 것 같아요. 기본적으로 읽는 사람을 설득하는 '논설문' 형태가 되어야 하므로, body1에서 친구들과 더 친밀해질 수 있다는 점을 제시한 것처럼 body2도 더 의미있는 주제로 이야기할 수 있어 좋다거나 더 편안한 분위기가 조성되어서 좋다거나 하는 식으로 advantage가 드러나는 형태로 구성하는 편이 좋습니다. To illustrate this statement, in large gatherings, I feel the discussion of sensitive topics awkward, because not everyone is a close friend. In this case, we just talk about drama or gassips others. It is very trivialities then you just waste your valuable time. In contrast, when I am with my close few friends, I feel very comfortable that I can discuss anything from favorite movies to family matters, without worrying ablut being judged because we understand each other so well.
To sum up, it is much better to meet with just a few friends than to go out with large groups. Through with Spending time with a few freinds allows us to strenghten relationships and to discuss more personal matters. For these two reasons, I think spending time with a few friends is better than large groups.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair - Good (21–25)
기본적으로 생각하신 idea들을 더 발전시켜서 설득력을 높여주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 설명과 사례 내용도 채점자가 평가하는 [단계적 구성]이 돋보이도록 구체화하고 정리한다면 좀 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 코멘트와 함께 검토해주시기 바랍니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!