Staying healthy these days is easier than staying healthy in the past
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
These days, as the world changes faster than ever before, a lot of people are required to do more works. Thus, some people might think that people living in these days have hard time staying to stay healthy life because they don’t have any spare time to exercise. However, in my opinion, I think staying healthy these days is a lot easier than in the past. There are two reasons I could discuss to support my idea.
First, there are a lot more facilities and programs to exercise these days todays compared to the past. As the technology has developed recently, people can do and enjoy much more things that people lived in the past cannot do. People can join a fitness club they want to go and can gain muscles and improve their physical ability with advanced machines in the gym. If they want to do different style of exercise programs, they can easily change their program. On the other hand, in the past, there were no chances to go to the gym, fitness club, aerobic center and much more other things and even they didn’t know about exact exercise programs. 적절한 idea와 설명입니다. 과거와 오늘날을 간단하게 비교한 부분도 좋습니다. For example, my goal was to gain my muscles and improve physical ability because I was so weak to stay healthy. life. After I started going go to the gym every 3 days a week, I could can feel I’m growing more than before and my body condition has been is improved. If I had lived in 1950s 50’s in Korea, I would have no chances to go to the gym. In this way, people can improve their physical ability by going to the facilities and doing systematical programs. *같은 단어를 반복적으로 사용하기보다 다양한 단어를 활용하게끔 해주세요.
Second, nowadays people can get more information about health than in the past. Development of medical technology and science due to the fast growing society, people can learn a lot of things about health and differentiate whether some foods are good for our health or not. Accordingly, people can select their healthy foods based on studies about health proving whether these foods are beneficial enough for people or not. 건강에 대한 정보가 많아졌다는 점과 건강을 쉽게 유지할 수 있다는 입장을 연결하는 부분이 잘 드러나 있어 좋습니다. '쉽게' 일반인들도 그 정보를 향유할 수 있게 됐다는 점을 간단하게 언급해주는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. For example, when I go shopping, I can select healthy foods by seeing detail view of ingredients, differentiating whether these foods are much better than others or not. If I live in the past I couldn’t see those ingredients. Thus, information I we know helps me choose better foods and consequently I we can stay much healthy with great ease.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that staying healthy in these days is much easier than in the past for two reasons: improvement of facilities or programs for exercising and information.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Good (24–30)
논제에 대한 나의 입장이 명확하고 각 body의 논리가 매끄럽게 이어진다는 점이 아주 좋습니다. 단조로운 느낌이 들지 않도록 다양한 어휘를 활용해서 구성할 수 있게끔 보완해주시고, 강조할 수 있는 부분들이나 군더더기처럼 느껴지는 부분들을 정돈해보셔도 좋을 것 같습니다. 다양한 주제로 꾸준히 연습해주신다면 실전에서도 충분히 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!