The extended family is less important now than in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
An intriguing topic of discussion at hand is whether extended family is less important now than in the past. The answer to this question can vary greatly, depending on the individual perspectives. Thus, the jury may still be out, but as far as I am concerned I agree with the statement. In this essay, I will present two reasons supporting my standpoint as follows.
To begin with, nuclear family allows people to get a diverse jobs more easily than ever unlike the past. This is because compared to the past when most economies were are agriculture and manufacturing which were mainly labor-oriented, now we are living in the information age. In other words, people of olden days had to cooperate with family members to maintain living of standards, but today’s people do not rely on agricultural family industries anymore. That’s because society has have changed into informational communities and specialized individuals are more important in these days. In this sense, nuclear family has have more advantages than extended family in today’s world. 핵가족의 형태가 직업의 다양성과 무슨 관련이 있는지를 설명해야 합니다. 원하는 일을 하기 위해 뿔뿔이 흩어져 살아도 문제가 없다, 하는 식으로 좀 더 명확하게 '왜' 대가족으로 모여 살 필요가 없는지를 보여주는 편이 좋습니다. 일손이 많을수록 좋았던 과거와 비교한 부분은 좋습니다. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2012, those who are specialized currently have an enormous competitive advantage over those who are not cannot because developing and industrialized countries are increasingly moving toward economies based on the manipulation of information. Also, the studies pointed out that the number of employment opportunities available to non-professional people will contribute to decline precipitously as a result of this trend. 사례 내용 역시 마찬가지로 '대가족의 중요성'과는 큰 연관이 없어보입니다. 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 오늘날 대가족으로 사는 것이 그리 중요하지 않다는 결론으로 연결이 가능해야 합니다.
On top of that, nuclear family plays a significant role in creating today’s people with professional skills in their own fields. This is due to the fact that extended family’s priority is place on working together so that people of olden days day’s did not have a sense of achievement on their own. However, nuclear family consists of individual-centered people. Thus, it is easy to have accomplishing individually. Moreover, today’s societies recognize professional people who always have confidence through the experience of achievement. body1과의 큰 차이점을 모르겠습니다. body1에서도 specialized individual에 대한 언급을 반복하고 있지요. 개인의 성취가 직업을 통해 나타나는 경우가 많기 때문에 두 문단이 크게 구분되지 않는 것 같아요. 시대의 변화를 지적하는 것은 좋지만, '가족 형태' 자체에 초점을 두고 풀어주시는 게 좋을 것 같습니다. 새로운 idea로 문단을 재구성해보셔도 좋겠습니다. For instance, in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” the character Miranda Presley was a very successful business woman yet a total workaholic, infamous for her dictatorship in the office. Although 쉼표삭제 she had a high reputation for her business world, she divorced multiple times and practically lived a enjoyable life. In other words, all the money she was earning from her spectacular duties make her a truly happy woman. 문단 main idea와의 일관성이 떨어집니다. 이혼을 자주 하고 돈을 많이 벌어서 행복하다는 흐름 자체도 어색하게 느껴지고요. 현재 case보다는 다른 내용을 응용하는 편이 나을 것 같아요.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with the statement that nuclear family is more important now than in the past for the reasons I mentioned above. Once again, although the verdict may still be out, I personally believe that two of my rationales are sufficiently convincing enough to represent the viewpoints of a majority of people who are in favor of my claim.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited - Fair (15–18)
대가족에 대비되는 개념으로 '핵가족'을 생각해서 현대사회에서 핵가족이 더 effective한 이유를 풀어내는 방식은 좋습니다. 다만 '왜' 더 effective한지에 대한 idea가 명확하지 않고 설명과 사례 내용 역시 설득력이 부족합니다. 너무 복잡하게 돌아가기보다 과거와 달리 이러니까 핵가족이 더 낫다, 그래서 대가족 형태는 덜 중요해졌다, 하는 식으로 흐름을 먼저 구상해보시면 어떨까요? 같은 주제로 쓰인 글들을 참고하셔서 쉽게 풀어내기 좋은 내용으로 구성해보시는 것도 좋은 연습이 될 수 있겠습니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!