the best way to make me happy is to make others happy.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people contend that the best way to make me happy is to make others happy. I support such argument. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but the two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
First of all, keeping others happiness makes me glad. This is because it can be revitalizing, offering an effective outlet for releasing stress and tension. As society becomes complex and faster changing, people are increasingly tied up by heavy workloads. The result is frustration, as they feel pressure to handle tons of work. Because it is exhilarating activity, however, it can help people relieve their tension and stress. 다른 사람들을 행복하게 하는 것이 즐거운 일이라는 연결고리를 분명히 해주세요. it으로 지칭하기보다 구체적인 풀이가 더 들어가는 편이 좋을 것 같습니다. In this context someone’s glad is critical role to me. 남들을 행복하게 해주면 '왜' 내 스트레스가 풀리는지에 대한 설명이 부족합니다. 좀 더 논제에 알맞은 답변이 될 수 있게끔 논지를 발전시켜주세요. My own case is a good example of this. I have a friend whose name is Brian. He is very smart and logical. Because of his job as a lawyer, 한문장으로합쳐주세요 . Before he was swamped with lots of tasks. In addition, he had to face difficulties arising from complex relationships with his co-workers and bosses. By the end of each day, he returned and feeling drained and gloomy. Then, he met me at the museum. I was working at my workplace, jyp entertainment, as a music video director. At first, he was very reserved and did not laugh much at all. However, our perspective of music was totally agreed and we could be a good friends. I often invited him to my cinema. And we spend quality time together while laughing loud at hilarious scenes and impersonating characters in them. As a result, our friendship grew stronger and he became much more sociable and outgoing. To my astonishment, even if it is only for a brief moment, I feel deeply composed and successfully gain some distance stress-daily routine. I also feel energized and ready for another day struggle with the hustle and bustle of life. 마찬가지로 다른 사람을 행복하게 해줌으로써 내가 행복해진다는 연결고리가 부족합니다. 또한 불필요한 detail이 너무 많아 오히려 논점에 맞지 않는 느낌이 듭니다. 내용을 정돈해서 논제와 연관성을 더 높여주세요.
Moreover, making someone happy happiness is beneficial in that it encourages me to have stronger ties with others around me. In today’s competitive society, people are under great pressure to outpace others, and thus lack time to be with their families and friends. As a result, they are less emotional attached with their friends and families than they were in the past. By watching movies together and sharing their fun, however, they can sustain solid relationships with others as well as families. Therefore, keeping others glad should not be overlooked. According to a recent survey in Health Magazine, nearly two-thirds of people felt that they could restore bonds with family and friends through social activities, including watching movies. They also argue that they could exchange ideas and develop sympathetic bonds while watching comedy movies together. These activities will strengthen bonds with your friends and family and allow people provide to make new friends. This emotional satisfaction increases emotional attachment and, by extension, social awareness. 함께 무언가를 하는 것은 '남을 기쁘게 하는 일'과 직접적인 관련이 없습니다. '남이 기쁘면 나도 행복해진다'라는 결론으로 연결할 수도 없기 때문에 논점에 어긋납니다. 논제의 키워드에 좀 더 초점을 두고 내용을 풀어주세요.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that keeping others glad should not only be allowed, but encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
모델에세이에서 키워드만 수정하는 경우 논점을 벗어날 가능성이 많습니다. 논제 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 적절한 답변이 될 수 있도록 revise해주시기 바랍니다. 실전에서 모델에세이를 응용하실 계획이라면 좀 더 다양한 paragraph들을 외워두고 문제 유형에 맞게 응용하시는 편이 좋으니 참고하세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!