Some people think that teachers have to be paid according to the amount of what their students learn. This is because with this system, students can learn more from their teachers. intro 한 문단으로 합쳐주세요 However, I belive that tecahers have to be paid according to how much they worked for two reasons: productivity, quality of life.
First of all, teachers' being paid accroding to how much they worked allows teachers to enjoy a better quality of life. This is due to the fact that they can manage their time on their own and it can help relieving stress, while teachers' being paid according to how much their students learn can stress teachers out by pushing them to feel tired. Moreover, stress is one of the main factors that weaken the immune system and causes harm to the body. 논제 내용 다시 체크해주세요. 만약 단순히 "학생들의 학습량에 따라 봉급을 정해야 한다."라는 statement만 제시되어 있으므로 현재 내용은 topic에 맞지 않습니다. 찬반을 묻는 문제이므로 반대하는 입장을 피력해야 합니다. 다른 방식보다 비효율적이기 때문에 반대한다는 형태로 흐름을 풀어갈 수는 있지만, 현재 내용은 교사의 업무량에 따라 월급을 줘야 한다는 전혀 다른 주제가 되기 때문에 논점을 벗어납니다. 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 idea를 정리해서 재구성해주세요. According to a study conducted by Seoul National University of Korea in 2012, a test on mice showed that when they were regulary subjected to electric shocks, their life span was shortened. Interestingly, the researchers found a link between this and human beings who suffered from chronic stress. It can be inferred that teacher's being paid accroding to the amount of what their studnets learn can lead to high stress levels, and this can reduce a teacher's longevity.
In addition, teachers being paid according to how much time they work tend to work with more enthusiasm. This is attributed to the fact that it can serve as one of the key motivators for them to perform better and to improve themselves. With the motiviation, they put in more effort, concentrate better on their tasks, feel a deeper sense of responsibility for their work. 마찬가지로 업무량에 맞게 봉급을 책정하는 것은 논제와 아무런 관련이 없으므로 off-topic이 됩니다. 선생님의 봉급과 관련되어 있긴 하지만 <얼마나 일하느냐에 따라 받아야 한다>는 주장이 <그러므로 학생들이 배우는 양에 따라 주지 말아야 한다>라는 입장으로 연결될 수는 없으므로 다른 입장으로 해석될 여지가 더 큽니다. 찬성/반대의 입장을 support하는 데 초점을 맞춰주세요. According to a study conducted by the Ministry of Education, there was a huge difference between two groups of teachers in relation to their rates of achievement. Teachers in Group A were being paid according to how much they worked and those in Group B were not. The researchers showed that the former group spent 25% more number of hours on working and performed higher than the latter. In particular, they followed instructions, submitted assignments on time. It can be inferred that teachers' being paid according to how much time they work has direct correlation with the amount of energy and effort that the teachers invest in teaching.
To sum up, the importance of my view cannot be underestimated in that it can kill two birds with one stone for the reasons I have mentioned above. All in all, I believe this trend will probably continue for the next generation.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
논제가 묻는 내용에 정확한 답변이 가능하도록 흐름을 바로잡아주세요. '반대'하는 이유를 설명해야 하는데 다른 방식이 좋은 이유에 대해서만 설명할 경우 논점에 맞지 않을 가능성이 더 큽니다. 모델에세이를 응용하실 때 주제에 적합하게 응용하는 부분들을 더 연습하시면 좋을 것 같아요. 대소문자 구분도 정확히 해주세요. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!