businesses should hire employees for their entire lives.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
Some people contend that businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. I support such argument. There are many reasons that could espouse my position, but the two biggest reasons for my position will be explained in the following.
First of all, companies should employ the people life-long period. This is because it can be revitalizing, offering an effective outlet for releasing stress and tension. As society becomes complex and faster-changing, people are tied up by heavy workloads. The result is frustration, as they feel pressure to handle tons of work. By do not escaping from worry about being fired consider about fire, they could relieve stress and tension. In this context, people should be hired for hire their lifetime. 직원들의 스트레스가 풀리니 직원들을 평생 고용해야 한다는 논리는 설득력이 떨어집니다. 기업의 입장에서는 전혀 득될 일이 없으니 설득력이 없지요. 논제 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 더 적절한 답변으로 내용을 재구성해주세요. My own case is a good example of this. In my daily work, I am swamped with lots of tasks. In addition, I have to difficulties arising from my supervisors and co-workers. By the end of each day, I return home and try to relax. One day I was am losing my grip on work and to succeed in the project. My co-workers tried to encourage me, but their efforts did not help me at all. Then I met a new supervisor. He was 71 years old. And He was very funny and witty, and popular among our company. He listened to my problem and offered me words of encouragement. I deeply moved by his kindness and took courage from his advice. As a result, my aptitude greatly improved in the next season. Without his words of encouragement, I could not have overcome difficulty successfully. To my astonishment, even if it is only for a brief moment, I became deeply composed and successfully got gain some distance from stress-daily routine. And I also felt feel energized and ready for another day struggle with hustle and bustle of life. 주제와 전혀 관련 없는 내용입니다. 기업에서 직원을 평생 고용하는 것과 회사에서 오래 일한 사람과 대화를 해서 힘을 얻은 것은 전혀 관련이 없지요.
Moreover, working in a lifetime is useful in that it encourages employees to have stronger ties with others around them. In this competitive society, people are under great pressure to outpace others, and thus lack time to be with their families and friends. As a result, they are less emotional attached than they were in the past. By working until the old age, however, it can help sustain solid relationships with their families and friends. Therefore, companies should people whose whole life. 사람들이 한 회사에서 평생 일하는 것과 주변사람들과 관계를 돈독히 하는 것이 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 회사에서 평생 일하면 '왜' 주변사람들과 관계가 돈독해지는지 설명하지 못하므로 이 역시 논제에 맞지 않는 답변이 됩니다. According to a recent survey in Health Magazine, nearly two-thirds of two third people felt that they could restore bonds with their families through fun activities, including without worry. They also argue that they could exchange ideas and develop sympathetic bonds with their families and friends while working together without worry about being fired. fire. This increases emotional attachment and, by extension, social awareness. 가족과 함께 즐거운 시간을 보내거나 함께 일하는 것 역시 논제와 관련없는 내용입니다.
All in all, because of the reasons mentioned above, I firmly believe that hiring people during life lifetime should not only be allowed, but encouraged.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
전체적으로 글 내용이 논제에 대한 답변이 되기 어려워 보입니다. 좀 더 논제 내용에 대한 insight를 보여줄 수 있게끔 답안을 수정해주세요. 무조건 모델에세이를 응용하려 하기보다는 논제에 맞는 적절한 idea를 생각하고 구성하는 연습을 해보시는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!