A school should invest in purchasing computers for students rather than books for the library
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is a disputed topic which is beneficial to students between using the Internet and using text materials when they study. I believe that the advantages of the Internet far outweigh those of books. Therefore, schools universities should make an investment in purchasing computers rather than books for the library. 논제에서 '학교'라는 표현을 사용하고 있으니 '대학'으로 범위를 좁히기보다 학교라는 표현을 그대로 사용해주는 편이 좋을 것 같아요.
First reason is that by using the Internet, students can study efficiently. To be specific, compared with the books, the Internet offers students much more updated information. On top of that, when students search a certain topic on the Internet, it takes students much less time to find it. As a result, they are able to do other works as well as save time. 공부를 더 효율적으로 할 수 있게 도와준다는 장점이 잘 드러난 부분이 좋습니다. 다만 이 내용이 결과적으로 '인터넷이 더 좋다'가 아니라 '컴퓨터 구입에 더 많은 투자를 해야 한다'라는 입장으로 연결되어야 하므로 논제와의 연결고리를 더 보완해줄 필요가 있습니다. 학교에 컴퓨터가 잘 구비되어 있으면 학생들이 인터넷을 통한 학습을 더욱 효과적으로 할 수 있을 것이다, 하는 식으로 '학교의 컴퓨터 구입'이라는 키워드와 연결고리를 만들어주세요. For example, when I was a first-year student in universities, I had to should find information on Japan history for an assignment. At first, I thought that it was is better to find it at libraries using a wide range of materials. However, it was my hasty decision decisions because I had to browse should page through twelve books and it was time-consuming. If I had used the Internet, I would have spent only thirty minutes. Therefore, universities should invest in computers in order to make students study with latest information and save their precious time. 적절한 내용의 사례입니다. 논제와 연관지어 마무리한 부분도 좋습니다.
Another reason is that it is more economical for schools universities to purchase computers than books. To be specific, nowadays, it is possible to read almost all of books on the Internet with the function of e-book. Also, a computer has various functions going beyond those of books. For example, whereas books can offer students just letters and pictures at most, the Internet can give students sound materials as well as them. Consequently, even though universities might feel that computers are much more expensive than books and regard buying computers as financial burden, when considering those functions of the Internets, it is an obvious fact that buying computers is are much more economical in the a long run. 컴퓨터를 구입하는 것이 더 경제적이라는 주장은 reasonable합니다. 컴퓨터를 구입하는 것이 더 경제적이라는 점을 좀 더 설득력있게 설명하면 좋을 것 같아요.
When all is considered, I conclude that not only studying with computers is much more helpful to students than with books, but also purchasing computers instead of books is much more financial from a long-term point of view. Therefore, I firmly believe that universities should support purchasing computers for students more than buying books.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Fair (17–23)
전반적으로 논제에 대한 이해도가 높고 나의 입장을 뒷받침하기 위한 main idea들이 좋습니다. 이를 논증으로 풀어내는 과정에서 연결고리가 빠지지 않도록 <왜, 어떻게 그런지>에 대한 설명이 충분히 되어 있는지에 유의하면서 내용을 구성해주세요. 사례내용이 신빙성을 가질 수 있도록 구체화하는 부분도 함께 improve해주시면 충분히 더 좋은 점수 받으실 수 있을 거예요^^ 수고 많으셨습니다. 화이팅!