Parents nowdays are more involved in their children's education than they were in the past.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요^^
It is evident that in our current society education has tremendous importance to our lives. Some people think that parents nowdays aren‘t more involved in their children’s education than they were in the past, while others do not. I, however, believe that now days nowadays most of parents are involved in their children’s education. There are several reasons that I could support my argument so I will limit to my discussion to the two that I feel are most relevant to the topic: the concpets of the success and efficiency.
First of all, the most important reason for my thinking this is way is that most parents want to their kids to be successful success in their future. Also, they thought that they can handle their kids to in a right way. Now These days, most young kids have a lot of oppertunities to try a tempting things outside. 논리가 맞지 않습니다. 과거에 비해 오늘날의 부모들이 자녀교육에 더 많이 관여하게 된 이유를 설명해야 하는 문제입니다. 과거보다 오늘날 부모가 아이들의 성공을 더 많이 바란다는 점을 설명하지 못하기 때문에 과거와 오늘날을 비교하기에는 부적절한 내용이 되지요. 아이들이 할 수 있는 일이 많다는 설명이나 부모가 아이들을 올바른 길로 이끌 수 있다고 생각하는 내용 역시 문단의 요지와 관련이 없습니다. Take one of my neighbors Tom, for example. When he was a teenager, his parents didn’t have enought time to take care of him because becasue his parents were both working for living. At that time, he could play games without any interruption. interruptions. He It was hard for him to go to going to the next course because of too many times of much absence in class. Finally, his parents noticed that his son’s problem with games. His mother quit work stated to take care of his son and get involved in involving education. Later than, he graduated with high grades of score. This example shows that parents are more involved in their children’s education than the past because parents pray for prey on their children’s seccuss. 아이들에게 신경쓸 시간이 부족한 부모가 아이에게 신경쓰게 되었다는 사례가 <과거보다 오늘날 부모들이 아이들의 교육에 더 많이 관여한다>는 내용과 무슨 관련이 있는지 모르겠습니다. 논제 내용을 다시 점검해보시고 논제에 대한 답변이 될 수 있도록 문단을 재구성해주세요.
Second, another reason which proves prove my point is that parents getting involved in involve their children’s education is more effiicient in efficiency managing their time. In morden society time resources are most important than any other things. 시간효율성 때문에 과거보다 오늘날 부모가 교육에 더 관여한다는 주장 역시 논리가 부족합니다. 주장에 대한 설명 내용도 부족하고요. 아이들의 교육에 힘쓰면 좋은점이 아니라 내가 보기에 과거보다 오늘날 부모들이 아이들의 교육에 더 많이 신경쓰는 이유(관여하거나 간섭하는 이유)를 설명해야 하는 글입니다. 이 점에 유의하셔서 다시 내용을 구성해보시면 좋을 것 같아요. This reminds remains me of a time when I was a freshmen in college. At that time, I didn’t know how to do writting a my assignment. Without advice advices, I spent 8 hours finishing to finish my homework. However, I got a bad score. form my professor because of my report could get a focus on the topic and fail to arrangement. I was trying to talk with my parents parent about what I struggleed with those days. these day. For the next assignment, they helped me make making a right way to finish my homework, and it took takes only for 2 hours. Also, I had a good result from my professor. This example show, shows that parents are more involved in their children’s education because of more save a effort. 사례 내용 역시 논점에 어긋납니다.
All things considered, with the reasons mentioned above, I believe that I have sufficiently and adequately explaind my point on the matters regarding this topic.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (1–16)
문법오류가 너무 많습니다. 품사활용, 태, 시제표현, 수일치 등 꼼꼼하게 검토해주세요. 부적절한 단어 사용에도 유의해주시기 바랍니다. 기본적으로 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 답변이 되지 못하는 내용이기 때문에 논리면에서 감점이 클 것 같아요. 논제가 묻는 내용에 대한 내 입장을 확실히 정하고, 본론의 내용들이 그 입장을 support할 수 있도록 정리해주세요. 같은 주제로 다른 분들이 쓰신 글을 참고하는 것도 도움이 됩니다. 수고 많으셨습니다^^ 화이팅!