A teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than the ability to give knowledge.
*진하게 표시한 부분은 제가 파악한 문단의 주요 내용이니 참고하세요.
Some peple might argue that it is more important for teachers to give knowledge than to relate with students. However, contrary to this idea, I strongly believe that relating with students is more important. The fundamental reason behind this is that relating with students helps students to maintain their mental health and improve learning efficiency.
First of all, concentraing concentrating on relationship with students will relieve students` stress and keep their mind healthy. This is mainly because a substantial number of studies have clearly demonstrated that humans are social animal who need interaction and a sense of belonging to survive. What is more, people are able to feel satisfied and secure when they know that they are being accepted and loved by others, esepcially parents or teachers supervising themselves. 본론의 idea와 연관성이 떨어지는 불필요한 문장들입니다. <교사들이 학생들과의 관계에 집중하는 것>이 어떻게 학생들의 mental health 에 긍정적인 영향을 주는지에 대한 설명이 전혀 되지 않고 있습니다. 불필요한 미사여구로 분량을 채우는 것이 아닌, 작성자님의 가장 key point를 더 develop시키는 3~4문장으로 나머지 분량을 보완해주세요. From my experience, last year, I broke up with my girl friends and I felt absolutely deressed
depressed and lonely. Fortunately, my english teacher, MiNa, helped me overcome the time of depression and despair with love and compassion. She sincerely listened to my story, shared her harsh experience, and gave me warm hug. 이 예시가 어떻게 첫번째 이유에 대한 예시가 될 수 있는지에 대한 연결고리가 현저히 부족합니다.
Moreover, relating well with students will can imporve learning efficiency. An important reason is that only giving knowledge may bore students, and this informatin information can easily be forgotten. However, the mothod lectures based on strong relationship with students will encourage students to participate in classes more enthusiastically and concentrate better. 좋은 idea입니다. 하지만 이것이 곧바로 으로 연결될 수 있다는 것은 논리적 비약이 될 수 있을 것 같습니다. 문장과 문장사이 연결고리를 더 보완해주세요. 곧바로 quantum leap으로 연결하는 것보다, 면학분위기의 improvement등을 통해서 gradually연결시켜주는 것이 더 좋을 것 같네요. Thus, students have a quantum leap in acamedic academic ability. According to the research conducted by Seoul National University in 2012, two groups of students showed the difference in acamedic academic achievement. Students in group A learned science knowledge with tearchers relating with students, but those in group B learned it by themselves. 단순히 이라는 단어를 써준다고 해서 적절한 예시가 되는 것은 아닙니다. 예시는 본론의 세부적인 부분을 보완해주기위해서 써주는 것이므로 <어떻게 이것이 relating better 이었는지.> 조금 더 specific하게 묘사할 필요가있습니다. The result demonstrated that the former group spent more time with studying by 30percent, and perfomed higher than the latter group. In addtion, they completed given assignments on time. However, the latter group showed distractive behaviors ranging from doodling to dozing off.
In conclusion, without any doubt, I am convinced that it is better for teachers to relate with their students. This is because it will encourage students to keep their mental health and improve learning efficiency.
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점)
논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task
적절한 설명 appropriate explanation
적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details
일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence
다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety
적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale
Limited (11-15)
논제에 대한 idea들은 좋은 방향으로
흘러가고 있습니다. 다만, 작성자님의 의견에 대한 근거가
충.분.히 설명되도록 단계적으로 (3~5문장으로) 설명해주시면 훨씬 자연스러운 글이 될 것 같습니다. 논제와 더 연관성을 높이는 방향으로 idea를 발전시켜주세요. 논제에 대한 답변으로 연결하는 부분을 중점적으로 연습해주세요. 수고하셨습니다.^^