Their There is an
argument over whether people should spend their money on traveling rather than
saving for the future. Some people think that spending money on travel is
better than saving money for the future. My view, however, is that people
should save money for the better future rather than spending money on
traveling. This is largely because saving money is more important than traveling going travel.
Moreover, not everyone likes traveling.
To begin with, these
days, saving money became very important to the modern people. It is not a
secret that people cannot live without money. It is also common that both young
people and old people usually spend a lot of time to earn money. Why do they do this? This is because people need money in
many cases. For instance, even though I am a university student, I have to work worked part
time jobs since I need money to spend on my clothes, books, tickets, and so on.
The modern society has become much more complicated and the level of living has
also become far higher than the past. Therefore,
saving for the better future should be done first than
spending money on traveling.
Furthermore, not all
people like traveling. To be specific, some people
like traveling and doing outdoor activities, however, some people
prefer staying home to going outside. In addition, other people feel the sense
of satisfaction when they earn money and check their money saved in their
accounts. Every person has their own thinking and they have all different kinds
of taste. Therefore, people should save money and then they should spend their
precious money on something else.
만약에 사람들의 taste가 모두 다르다는 점을 이유로 들기 위해서는 people ‘should save money’ 라고 쓰면 안될 것 같아요. 모두의 preference가 다르다면 traveling을 선호하는 사람들도 있기 때문에 save 해야한다는 표현은 안하는게 좋을 것 같습니다. 전반적인 에세이에서 money를 save해야 한다는 주장을 말하고 있기 때문에 second paragraph의 이유를 바꾸는 것도 좋을 것 같아요. 예를 들면 미래에 더 좋은 것을 할 수 있을 수 있기 때문에 지금당장 쓰기보다는 아끼는게 좋다는 식의 내용을 쓸 수 있습니다.
To summarize, even
though spending money on traveling can be worth, saving money and spending it on something carefully
is more important. This is because the society has become more complicated and
people have all different lives.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited – Fair (13-20)
토픽에 대한 정확한 이해를 하고 좀 더 디테일한 부분에 신경을 써서 reason을 써 주는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 너무 broad한 내용이나 애매한 내용은 reason으로 적합하지 않은 것 같습니다. 전반적으로 문법적 오류가 없고 내용도 focused 되어있지만 토픽에 대한 연관성이 조금 부족한 것 같습니다. 그리고 불필요한 내용을 반복적으로 쓰는 것도 피하는게 좋아요.
수고하셨습니다.