I believe that staying well-informed is really important. Usually it is easy to get information that happens near us but it is hard to know what is going on in other cities or other countries. This is the reason why I agree with the statement that people should get information from the TV news. The TV news gives various information which is hard for us to get and it is fast and correct and trustable
The TV news allows us to get a lot of different kinds of
information that is hard for us to get. Most
people usually lives at in one place because of their family or job. It is
hard for them to go to other cities or countries
to get information by themselves. (뉴스를 얻기위해 다른 도시를 가는게 어렵다는 것 보다는 다른 도시의 뉴스를 얻는게 어렵다고
쓰는 게 좋을 것 같아요.) But the TV news can solve this problem. The TV news tells us different
kinds of information that happens all over the world in a short time. When some issues
comes out they are
broadcasted right away. People can get
information from the TV news in a short time even though they have never been at
to the place and can
stay well-informed in a fast time.
Issues and information that comes out from the TV news are correct and
trustable. Of course there are a lot of different ways to get information. For
example blogs or internet café or maybe people near us. But I believe that the
TV news tells the most correct
information and it is trustable than other ways.
Information from blogs or internet cafe or people around us might be
incorrect because they might add their personal opinion. But we don’t
have to worry about this problem that comes out from
the TV news because when they give certain information they
never add their personal opinion. (문장구조가 어색합니다. This problem이 TV news에서 나오는 문제가 아니라
인터넷 카페나 블로그에서 나오는 문제를 말하는 것이기 때문에 문장구조의 수정이 필요합니다.) They just tell us information that actually
happened. (TV news는 단수취급으로 써왔기 때문에 they로 받을
수 없습니다.)
To stay well-informed we need a lot of information. But
because we have our work and family it is hard to go and get the information
which is out of the city or country from where we
live. But the TV news solves this problem. Also the information that
comes out from the TV is trustable because they never add their personal opinion.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair – Good (20-27)
에세이의 흐름도 좋고 주장을 support하는 이유도 좋습니다. 하지만 중간중간에 의미가 애매한 문장들이 있습니다. 말하고자 하는 바를 좀 더 적확하게 전달 할 수 있도록 문장을 수정한다면 더 좋은 에세이가 될 것 같습니다. 그리고 표현의 다양성을 기르는 것도 좋은 방법일 것 같아요. 같은 어휘나 구문을 반복하지 않는 다면 좋아요.
수고하셨습니다.