▶ Your Answer :
In today`s society, it is widely believed that teachers should assign homework for students every day. Seome people advocat, however However, I disagree with this view. I firmly believe too much homework every day has a lot of disadvantages for students. This is because first, students will not have enough opportunities to learn social skills, second it can cause them to get mental stress.
깔끔하고 잘 정리된 글이네요~ Introduction paragraph에 필요한 요소에 대해 정확하게 이해하고 계신 것 같습니다. 문장력과 표현력도 좋으셔서 문법/문장 구조 상으로도 큰 문제가 없습니다~
First of all, if students have to do their homework every day, it causes them to spend a large amount of their daily time doing homework. Inevitably, they will not have enough time to do other useful activities such as many clubs club activities at school. Taking part in clubs at school is indispensable to for students who have to learn social skills. As a result, students who just have wasted their valuable time doing homework will definitely feel lack of interpersonal skills in the real world, and consequently it will hamper their social adaptation. Therefore, it is very clear that assigning homework for students every day has serious disadvantages.
이 문단 역시 아주 정리가 잘 되어있네요~ 영어 표현이 아주 능숙하신 것 같습니다. 부연설명과 디테일 모두 좋지만, 정작 예시가 없네요ㅠㅠ 주장을 확실히 뒷받침하시려면 예시를 제시해주셔야 합니다~ 자신의 경험을 토대로 하거나 기본 정보/지식을 사용하여 설명해주시면 좋을 것 같아요~
Second, assigning homework for students every day causes students to get mental stress. Stress is the main cause of diseases, short life span, and dissatisfying life. In in general, and especially young students are usually more vulnerable to metal mental stress than adults. So, students have to adequately relieve their stress after school by playing sports or game games with their friends. However, if they have too much homework, it hinders them from taking a rest and relieving mental stress, as a result, it will worsen the state of mental health of students. For example, a friend of mine was assigned to too much homework every day due to by his teacher. Even though he was able to get high grades, he didn`t have any time to relieve his mental stress. Inevitably, he is now suffering a fatal mental disorder and he has quitted school.
타당한 주장과 파워풀한 예시네요ㅎㅎ 예시와 부연 설명 모두 충분히 잘 써주셨습니다. 논리적으로 글을 풀어나가는 부분이 자연스럽네요. 다만, 한가지 덧붙일 것이 있다면, 예시를 설명해주신 후 주제와 다시 연관지어주는 논리적 연결이 약간 부족하네요. "~그러므로"와 같은 표현을 사용하셔서 주장을 재강조하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또, 문단의 마지막에는 전체 문단의 내용을 요약, 정리하는 concluding sentence를 써주시면 더욱 좋습니다.
All things considered, it is my belief that my argument regarding this topic has been effectively and precisely delivered with the reasons mentioned above ("~앞에서 언급한 것처럼"과 같은 구절은 되돍이면 삼가하시고 구체적으로 나열해주시는 것이 좋습니다). Never should we forget.
Conclusion paragraph의 분량이 좀 짧습니다ㅠㅠ 여기서 가장 중요한 부분은 전체적인 글의 요약과 thesis statement의 재강조입니다. 다른 말로 표현해주시는 것이 중요해요~
좋은 글은:
Addressing topic, Task
Organization, Development, Explanations, Exemplifications
Unity, Profession, Coference
Consistency in language, Syntactic Variety, Vocabulary, Grammatical Accuracy
들을 다 갖춰야해요
영어 글쓰기에 아주 능숙하신 것 같아 문법이나 문장 구조 상으로 큰 문제는 없습니다~ 전반적으로 아이디어도 좋고 내용도 좋네요. 다만 첫 문단에서 구체적인 예시 써주시는 것 잊지 마시구요~ 조금만 다듬으면 정말 좋을 글이 될 것 같습니다~ 정말 수고 많으셨어요~ 이상 갤러거였습니다 :)
Raw Score:
4/5 -> 25/30
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