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Some people think that universities should spend as much money on sports as they do on libraries but other people say not. However, I agree with this statement because sports promote physical health and it encourage students to interact.
( intro에선 general하게 시작하는 것이 중요합니다. 그리고 점차 깔대기 모양처럼 줄여 나가는 거.. 그리고 body에 쓸 sub-topic들을 나열해 주고 그것을 이해 시 킬수 있는 구문이 필요하죠 )
First of all, sports promote students' physical health. In universities, most students spend a lot of time sedentary just sitting in their place because they of their study. It makes students unhealthy or obesity. However, if universities invest much money in sports, students become more healthier. ? 문맥을 이해 하기 힘듭니다. why however?? For example, my cousin was an obesity and she decided to start exercise. Then she joined tennis club in campus. It was very helpful to her and she lost weight after joining tennis club. If university had not invested in tennis facilities, she can't would not use this club.(예 를 좀 더 구체적으로 )
Second of all, sports encourage students to interact.(good point) This is very useful way to meet people and make relationship. In sports club, many students spend their time with their team to practice because sports require cooperation. For instance, when I was middle school, I was part of soccer club. Through this club, I got a new group of friends and also learned how to cooperate with other people.( 좀 더 구체적으로 역시 )
To sum up, sports promote physical health and encourage students to interact. In this regard, I think that universities should provide as much funding for students' sports activities as they do for their libraries.( 역시 너무나 간략 합니다. 에세이를 마무리 하는 부분이니 만큼 차근차근 논리를 정리해나가고 바디 에 썻던 타픽들을 정리해 나가주세요 )
주요 채점기준 (항목별 5-4-3-2-1점수로 30점 만점 자가채점) 논제 파악 effectiveness in addressing the task 적절한 설명 appropriate explanation 적절한 예증, 구체적 설명 appropriate exemplification, details 일관성, 단계적 구성, 주제와의 연관성 unity, progression, coherence 다양한 단어 구사 syntactic variety 적절한 단어 선택, 관용적 표현 word choice, idiomaticity
Writing 0–30 score scale Limited (1-14)
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