| |
| |
|
Some people think that getting a job in a small corporation is better than getting one at a large company one. (비교대상을 명확하게 해주시는 게 좋습니다.) However, in my opinion, working at a big company gives more advantages to us. Not only there are more self-developing opportunities but also they provide us with opportunity to earn much money.
We can enhance our ability by attending working at a big company. (목적어에 맞는 동사를 써주세요.) It (지칭하는 게 명확하지 않습니다.) is more competitive among employees so that they always try to be a better person. (Big company is more competitive so employees should work harder to survive. 이런식으로 쓰는 게 더 자연스러울 것 같아요.) For example, I worked at big trade center in Korea. To enter the company, I got had to get a high toefl TOEFL scores as well as trading license. (trading license라는 복합명사가 가능한지 모르겠습니다. License in trading 이라고 쓰는 게 더 확실한 것 같아요.) After that, to be a multi-languages, I learned French for 2 years and I'm good at speaking it.
l 이 paragraph의 주제는 big company가 더 competitive 해서 employee들이 better person이 되려고 노력한다는 것입니다. 하지만 Intro에서 제시한 이유는 self-developing opportunity 입니다. 따라서, consistent하지 못합니다. 좀 더 detail하게 이유를 써주는 게 좋아요. 예를들어 큰 회사에 일을하면 competition이 심하기 떄문에 살아남기위해 스스로를 더 성공적인 사람으로 만들게 된다는 식으로 쓰는 게 좋습니다. Intro에서도 그런 뉘앙스로 바꿔주면 좋아요.
In addition, It'll give me a chance to make a great deal of money. (가능하다면생략하지는 마세요. It will이라고 써주세요) Generally speaking, big companies make much profit in their field. According to the survey conducted by World Economy Journal, they say large companies such as Apple, Samsung, and Toyota are ranked at high salary category. If we work at these companies, we would gain money much quickly.
To sum up, big companies enable us to be more competitive and make much money. In this regards, I prefer a large corporation to a small one.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Fair (17-23)
전반적으로 문법적인 문제는 많지 않습니다. 하지만 에세이 흐름에 있어서 consistency를 조금 기르는 게 좋을 것 같아요. 조금 더 focused되게 쓰도록 노력해보세요. 동사와 어울리는 목적어에 대해서도 조금 알아보면 좋을 것 같아요 J
수고하셨습니다.