Some people think that it was more important to cooperate with others in the past than it is nowadays. (비교구문을 쓸 때에는 비교대상을 명확하게 해주세요.) However, in my opinion, cooperation is getting more and more essential than in the past to make better results and work efficiently.
l Intro에 조금 더 디테일을 주셔도 될 것 같습니다.
First of all, people can make better outcomes when they cooperate with other people. This is because they can share their own ideas and revise their tasks or jobs in better ways. Unlike the past when economic economy was based on agriculture, which people could do by themselves, people living lived in the modern society have to deal with lots of difficult problems which couldn't cannot be solved that easily by one person's ideas. For example, last year, my teacher assigned a huge report on how to design the novelty novel automobiles. Since I wasn't familiar with this topic, I didn't even know how to start it over and what books I should use for references. After much thought, I decided to make study group for this assignment. It was the best choice I've ever decided. By cooperating and sharing information with other students, I could easily organize information and, in a matter of minutes, write my paper. Thanks to other's help, I could get my given job done perfectly.
l 밑줄 친 문장은 생략하는 게 좋을 것 같네요. 문장구조를 복잡하게 만들고 의미전달을 방해합니다. 간략한 문장으로 정확한 의미를 전달하는 게 우선입니다. Topic에 대한 이유가 strong 하지 않습니다. Cooperation이 과거보다 더 중요한 이유에 대해서 question은 물어보는데, 이 문단은 cooperation이 도움이 된다는 이야기를 합니다. 다른 이유를 생각 해 보는 것이 좋을 것 같아요.
On top of that, cooperation allows people to work more efficiently. In the past, people weren't busy as much as people living lived in the modern society are, so they didn't need to make their job done in a short period of time. However, these days, people have to deal with lots of works, which makes people spend time more wisely. As a result of this trend, cooperation is necessary to save time. According to a study conducted by the Korean Job Agency, it found that people who liked to work with others were far more likely to enjoy leisure time three times as much as than those who preferred to work alone. The former said that cooperation encouraged them to save lots of time and naturally they could spend much time on useful activities.
To sum up, cooperation results in a high level of results and efficiency. (표현이 어색합니다.) In this regard cooperating with others is more crucial nowadays than it was in the past | |
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited – Fair (13 – 20)
주어진 Topic에 맞게 이유를 brainstorming 하는 게 중요합니다. Topic에 대한 이해를 확실하게 하고 다시 한번 에세이를 써 보는 것도 좋을 것 같네요. 그리고 문법적인 부분도 확인해주세요. 명사와 형용사 단어의 구분도 확실히 해주세요. 문장구조를 조금 더 다양하게 쓸 수 있도록 노력해보세요. 비교구문을 쓸 때 정확하게 쓸 수 있도록 다시 한번 확인 해 주세요.