There has been an ongoing argument concerning whether what is the best way to relax and curtail stress. (Whether과 What이 같이 올 수 없습니다. What의 자리에 정확한 명사가 들어와야 합니다. Topic Sentence에서 주어진 단어를 쓰면 좋겠네요. 예를들어, spending time alone is the best way~ 이렇게요.) Some people argue that the best method to cope with stress is by spending some time alone. However, I firmly believe that spending time with people is much better in relaxing and reducing to relax and reduce stress than spending time alone. There are a lot of reasons that I could discuss to support my argument. So I limit my discussion to the two mains grounds. The first reason is that others can give an advice and the second reason is that recent research support my ideas.
l Research의 내용은 reason을 support하는 example로 쓰입니다. Research 내용 자체가 이유가 될 수 는 없는 것 같아요.
First of all, spending time with friends to relieve stress is a good opportunity to heard get a various solution to the problem. This is becuase, the main reason that people get a stress is faced with some problems. (문장구조가 어색합니다. This is because 이후에 완전한 문장이 오지만 이미 becuase에서 이유를 말하기 때문에 main reason이라고 쓸 필요가 없습니다. 그리고 사람들이 문제를 가진 것은 spending time하는게 좋은 기회라는 것의 이유가 되지 못합니다.) For example, when I was a college freshman, I was in really stressful environment because of my major. In opposition to my prior thinking, my major, mathematics, was very difficult for me. So, I tried to cope with this matter alone. It is more burdened became even more of a burden to me because I really can not could not find a solution. A month later, I came went to the professor's office, and my professor had given me to gave me a realistic solution that is change which is to change my major to business management. So, I accepted professor's advice and now I am happier than in the past.
l Topic에 잘 맞는 이유는 아닌 것 같습니다. 사람들과 시간을 보내는 것이 relax하고 스트레스를 줄여준다는 것에 대한 이유를 써야 하는 데 이 문단은 사람들과 이야기하면 좋은 solution을 받는다는 내용이 주를 이루고 있습니다. 조금 더 topic에 맞게 이유를 수정해주세요.
Second of all, you can reduce stress by talking with friends and sharing your problems. To be specific, by meeting friends and discussing the things that cause you stress, you can receive a consolation from friends. For example, the recent study released by Korea Psychology Insititute has shown that, more than 70 percent of the respondents answered that the best way to lessen stress is by talking and sharing with friends. This was well above other methods such as watching television or spending time alone. The people who preferred to discuss their problems with friends to reduce stress also said that to receive Receiving a sympathy and consolation were able to make them feel better.
l 이유에 대한 설명이 조금 부족하고 example로만 문단이 이루어져 있습니다. 그리고 Intro에서는 두번째 이유를 research라고 썼는데, 이 문단을 보니 두번째 이유는 친구들과의 대화가 안정감을 가져다 준다 라는 것 같아요.
To summarize, to receive getting a solution from other people helps you to resolve matters, and to receive receiving a sympathy and consolation from other people improves your feeling much better. For these reasons, I disagree with the statement that the best way to relax is by spending some time alone.
Writing 0-30 Score Scale
Limited (0-17)
문법적으로 문제가 많이 있습니다. 기본적인 문장구조에 집중해서 간단하게 문장을 만들도록 해보세요. 그리고 에세이를 다 쓰고 꼭!!!!! Proof reading을 해서 기본적인 스펠링 실수를 check 해주세요. 내용적으로도 의견을 support하는 이유나 example들이 약합니다. 정확하게 topic을 이해하고 그에 따른 의견을 써 주셔야 합니다. 또한, research처럼 outcome이 조사되어서 나오는 경우 example로 쓰는 게 좋습니다. 이유로는 일반적으로 쓰이지 않아요. Comma(,)의 사용법도 다시 한번 확인 해 보세요.